


How We Roll Our Dice

by sirjusblack



Category: Black Mirror, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, E-mail, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Internet Friends, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Religion, Slow Burn, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2019-10-07 14:11:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 31,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17367344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirjusblack/pseuds/sirjusblack
Summary: "If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads."The one where the person Stefan needed most was right there the whole time, but he never noticed.





	1. I'm Beginning to See the Light

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I wanted to get working on this before the tag gets too big, so heres chapter one! Hopefully this fic is going to be pretty long so make sure to subscribe so you know when it's updated! Also, kudos and comments mean a ton if you enjoyed even a little bit. Thank you for reading, and enjoy <3

A trip to the post office should be fine. It’s always been fine. But that’s because I always sent dad to drop off my packages or just slipped them straight into the postbox. I rarely have to venture out like this by myself.

However, if I’m going to survive university alone in a country I’ve never been to, I need to start getting over my anxiety-driven tendencies. I inexplicably feel a bit more calm than usual this morning, so I decide to get an early start. By 8 AM, I’m walking down the cobblestone streets, last minute textbooks in hand, to Royal Mail Richmond. 

I take a breath as I walk in. The post office is already slightly crowded, but nothing I haven’t handled before. I stand in line and just stare at my surroundings. Usually, I’d resort to swiping through my phone and trying to tune the world out but it’s a bit impossible with my hands full. I rest my chin on top of the somewhat large pile of books in my hands, tapping the spines of the books with my thumbs to the beat of the soft contemporary music playing in the shop. As I hear the door chimes ring, the radio station starts playing a personal favorite, Love At First Sight by The Brobecks.

I’m pretty close to the front of the line when a tall blonde boy enters the shop and queues behind me. He seems to be here for the same reason as me, textbooks in hand. He’s also balancing a small envelope, what looks like a letter, on top of his pile of books. I turn around hopefully before he can notice that I’ve been staring.

I feel myself start to blush, simultaneously scolding myself mentally. Remember what dad has always told you. The harsh sound of a stapler hitting the ground near the front counter causes me to jump out of my skin, bracing for a blow that luckily doesn’t come, this time anyway.

“Sir? Sir?”

I am taken out of my thoughts, awkwardly bumbling forward to the counter.

“How can I help you today?” 

The woman has hair of an unnatural orange shade and a bright disposition. 

“Hi, just sending these ahead to uni.” I manage to get out. It’s not even 9 AM and I’ve already hurt my own feelings. 

“Where you off to?” It sounds more like small talk but I realize she’s making the shipping label.

“Oh, Cardiff Metropolitan University. Stefan Butler.” I answer her next question before she has to ask it. I finally place my books down on the counter and feel blood flow restart in my arms. The woman smiles sweetly at me as she takes the books and packs them up, taping the box shut and pasting the label on.

“How much do I owe you?” I ask.

“Don’t worry about it, love.” She smiles back. I smile stiffly. The woman prints a receipt even though she’s made it clear I’m not paying and writes something down.

“See ya.” She smiles one last time. I stuff the receipt in my pocket. I think I know what she’s written on it, and I scramble to leave. My luck, as I am hurrying, I run into someone. The blonde boy behind me, no less. Our eyes meet, with little emotion in his and fear in mine. He cracks a small smile despite me having just knocked over all of his books. He talks to the woman as he does the old lift and twist, placing his books back onto the counter as I desperately try to help.

“The label’s already made and paid for. Colin Ritman.” He says to the woman. Colin. A lovely name for a lovely boy.

“You can just leave ‘em here, love.” I can’t tell if this woman is overly flirty or overly friendly, but her attitude combined with the situation at hand makes me want to run home, crawl under my covers and never reemerge. 

“Thanks. See you around.” He says this half to the woman and half to me. As he has one foot out the door, I notice he’s dropped the envelope on the ground. I grab it and rush to the door.

“You forgot something!” I yell a little too loudly down the street. But it’s too late. He must have turned down one of the many alleys surrounding the shop, and he’s gone as soon as he appeared.

I decide to hold onto the letter, and once I’ve collected myself as best as possible, I step outside into the slightly chilly morning air. The envelope has Colin’s return address, but seemingly no destination. In a moment of panic and desperation to get home, I shove the envelope into my pocket. As I do, I hear the crinkling of the receipt. I pull the small paper out to take a look, and my suspicions are confirmed when I see the orange haired woman’s phone number. 

I throw the receipt into the nearest bin and briskly head home, careful not to crease my newest prized possession.


	2. Meet You Further On Up the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks for 200 hits already! Your support means the world to me. I got so excited about this story that I've already written chapter two! It has a bit of a different vibe from the first chapter, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, enjoy! Please subscribe and leave comments and kudos <3

I’ve been sat at my desk for longer than I’d like to admit, just staring at the envelope. Maybe I’m waiting, praying, that it will open itself and I won’t have to do anything. But things aren’t ever that simple. Opening this letter means acknowledging the reason I kept it in the first place, something I feel nervous doing with my dad even in the house as if he can read my mind.

He’s convinced me of a lot of things, but telepathy isn’t one of them. I grab my letter opener. 

He writes in all capital letters, but they end up being different sizes anyway. I’m guessing he’s a film buff, as the heading of the letter suggests.

“SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE BEGINNING OF THE WORLD” in large scribbled handwriting. Unmistakable confidence that maybe I’ll acquire someday. I read further, captivated by his mere pen strokes.

“I’M COLIN RITMAN. 18. HAMMERSMITH, BUT HEADED TO ORKNEY. LOOKING FOR A FRIEND SO I DONT ISOLATE MYSELF AND GO SLOWLY INSANE. READER, BE IN TOUCH.”

He dropped it on purpose for someone to see. Like a penpal. The slightly juvenile nature of the situation allows me to breathe a little easier. I read and reread the 35 words written on the page until my heart starts to quicken all over again. I realize I haven’t taken my medicine today.

The stairs down the hall start to creak, meaning dad’s coming with my medication. I hastily shove the letter under the piles of clothes on my desk waiting to be packed at the last minute. I attempt to look normal, wiping my suddenly slick palms feverishly against my sweatpants and fanning my face, which is most assuredly red by this point. This boy I’ve seen once in my life is ruining me.

The door scrapes my dusty wooden floor as dad opens it. A turtleneck and glasses have never struck so much fear into a young heart. I pull on my earlobe.

“Stef? All good up here?” He smiles but it feels menacing. I fake a smile back.

“Yep. All good” I nod and trail off, lips pursed. He sits on the edge of my bed gingerly, like I might fall apart if he makes one wrong move. Sometimes I’m not sure who’s more afraid of who.

“Stefan…” He starts again. 

“Yeah?” The silence that comes afterward is deafening. He seems to think to himself for a minute, figuring out what he wants to say.

“When you’re in Cardiff… I won’t be there to look after you…” He sounds like he wants to say more, so I stay quiet. 

“You have to remember a lot of things yourself… Like your medicine… and… other things.”

I feel as though this is going to take a turn soon, and I don’t want to hear it.

“So your… tendencies…” He trails off yet again. I know what he wants to say.

“I won’t be there to help you. To guide you. To… make sure you’re making Godly choices.” He stutters a bit, then takes a breath.

“I need to trust that you’ll follow my advice.” He grips my sheets. I feel my heart sinking to my stomach. He notices.

“And the advice of Father Lawrence. He’s always been fond of you.” My eyes are glued to the floor. I pick at the skin around my nails.

“You know how much I love you, Stefan. I do this because I care.” He sounds genuine but I’ve trained myself not to trust it.

“Love the sinner, not the sin.” I parrot to him. I’ve heard it since I was 13. That’s one thing I’m sure he means. He smiles a sort of sad, exasperated smile. We’re both tired of this dance we do. It’s easier to concede. 

“Exactly.” He stands up abruptly and runs his hand through my hair haphazardly. It ends in a noogie near the crown of my head. I let him have this. He pulls his hand away and reaches over to my bed, grabbing the pill bottle he meant to bring me in the first place. 

“Take two, and make sure to pack them.” He smiles and places the bottle on my desk. I smile and he nods his head as he shuts the door. I hear his footsteps get softer and softer as he descends the stairs.

The pills can wait. I retrieve Colin’s letter from under my clothes and grab an envelope, paper, and stationery of my own. I take the pen cap off with my teeth and ponder how to start. I feel like I’m betraying my dad simply by trying to be happy. I start writing, matching his concision for fear of seeming as desperate as I actually am. I lick the tip of the pen and try to hone the calligraphy skills my mom taught me many years ago. 

Brevity is the soul of wit. I decide on 16 simple words.

“Nice to meet you, Colin. I’m Stefan. I’m headed to university, too, in Cardiff. Talk soon.”

Hopefully, that will suffice. I seal the envelope, addressing it and adding the proper postage. I’ve sat in panic for what feels like an eternity, and time has escaped me; It’s already 11 AM, and my flight is at 1. I throw toiletries and other comforts, along with my medicine like I promised dad, into a backpack. I shove the last of my clothes into my suitcase but am ever so careful to keep the envelope smooth and creaseless. And just like that, I’m almost free.

After an awkwardly long hug from dad, a stop at the postbox, and an excruciatingly long airport security line, I’m sat in an aisle seat in economy, headed for Wales. Colin is on my mind, King Princess is blaring in my ears, and before I know it, we’ve taken off.


	3. Couldn't Forget You if I Tried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Writers block was crazy today but I was able to finish this chapter! Thanks for 400+ hits already. It means the world. Enjoy!

The first few weeks of classes are boring me half to death. Everything we’re covering, I’ve already learned. If I didn’t have a basic grasp of current software or scriptwriting, I wouldn’t be here in the first place. Looking at the syllabus gives me some semblance of hope, though, showing that we’ll be moving on to more difficult concepts soon. 

I’ve found myself on autopilot a bit lately. Wake up, take medicine, go to class, go back to my dorm, do homework, go to sleep. Weekends aren’t much different, as I’ve already started working on the big semester project of programming a video game based on a book of our choice. I haven’t chosen a book yet, so I’m setting up the basic controls. 

As the days pass, I think about Colin a little less. The hope of a reply from him never fully leaves my mind, but it’s easier to give up. Maybe that’d make dad happy. I know he’d definitely be pleased with my friend group right now: all women.

Every once in a while, I find myself at a pub on a Saturday night with uni girls. Some from Cardiff, others from God knows where. They pound martinis and old fashioneds as I trace my glass of soda water with my index finger. I’ve learned I don’t do well with alcohol. Sometimes, girls from the town over invite me back to their flats or dorms. I’ll always say no.

After a drunk girl named Ruby at a pub on Friday night tells me I should have some “me time,” I decide to take a break on Saturday. Maybe she was smarter than I gave her credit for. I’ll probably never find out.

I brush my teeth and look at myself in the mirror. The bags under my eyes are especially present lately, and I look a bit pale. I guess I do need a day to myself. 

I fill a glass with water and prepare to take my medication, noticing that there’s only two pills left in the bottle. I take them and add “stop at the chemist’s” to my mental to-do list. 

I lace my trainers and make my way off campus. It’s raining, but the cold water feels nice against my face. I put my earbuds in, my phone in my pocket, and start to walk down the uneven roads. 

More quickly than I anticipated, I find myself in line at the chemist’s shop. I play with the seam of my jumper as I approach the pharmacy counter. 

“Hi, refill on Buspirone for Stefan Butler. Please.” 

The woman obliges but gives a familiar, judging look. The kind of look that doesn’t understand why I need medication to “stop being nervous.” I’m used to it.

We stand there in awkward silence. She looks at me expectingly and pops her chewing gum.

“It’s going to be about half an hour.” She walks away.

“Oh. Right.” I say to no one, as she’s already left. I feel my cheeks go red and I leave to walk around the shop and waste some time. 

I wander up and down the aisles, picking up a few things like a new toothbrush and extra lip salve. I start nodding my head as The 1975 wails about always wanting to die sometimes in my ears. I check the time and go back to the pharmacy section to get my prescription, then head to the front of the shop to pay. As I place my items on the counter, I decide to impulse buy one of those face masks that Harper from my animation class is always talking about. 

To my dismay, the cashier is a tall bleach blonde boy, but not the one I’m looking for. I pay and leave without saying a word. Maybe this is a sign that I just need to forget about Colin.

I get back to my dorm and try out the face mask. It smells like grapefruit and makes my face a little cold, but those aren’t necessarily bad things. I lay down and almost fall asleep, but before I do, two letters slide under my door. 

All sense goes out the window. I fling myself off my bed, snatch the letters from the ground, and run to my desk to open them. I forcefully rip open the first envelope while also ensuring I don’t rip its contents. 

The first envelope contains a scam trying to get me to send my credit card information in order to pay off medical bills, despite the fact that I’ve never had medical debt in my life. I crumple it and throw it in the bin. My hope hasn’t fully diminished just yet. I open the second envelope.

And sure enough, the sender address is from Orkney College. My heart leaps as I open the envelope. The familiar capital letters cause me to smile uncontrollably. I read on.

“NICE TO MEET YOU, STEFAN. SNAIL MAIL IS A BIT TIME CONSUMING, AND FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

COLINRITMAN@TCKRMAIL.COM”

Without thinking of what I’m going to say, I turn on my computer and open my email. I type Colin’s email into the “to” box. 

I’m about to start drafting an email when I become suddenly nervous. It’s my turn to make the first move. I could pretend I never received his letter. I’m sure Colin would just continue with his life if I were to ignore his reply. 

I don’t have that level of self-discipline. I start typing.

_______________________________________

To: ColinRitman@TCKRMail.com

Subject: Snail mail is a bit expensive.

Colin, I’ll give you that. Expensive, and definitely time-consuming. Now I can bother you instantly. Oh, the power of the internet. Let me know if/when this gets to you.

Stefan Butler  
3:40 PM  
_______________________________________

I mean to proofread the message, but I accidentally press send. Fuck. I go to my sent mail and read it there, and luckily there’s no typos or embarrassing signatures. All I can do is wait. 

I head into the bathroom to take a shower and finally remove this facemask. It takes a bit of scrubbing, but my face definitely feels smooth afterward. I wash my hair and get out of the shower. As I’m toweling off, I hear an incoming message to my inbox. 

I run into my room wearing only a towel to check the message. This definitely doesn’t feel right. I change into sweatpants and a t-shirt, then sit back down to read the email. It’s a spam email containing a coupon to Harrods. My heart rate starts to slow down.

I try to wind down and have a calm evening in, but every notification I get causes me to panic. None of them are from Colin. I set my email to only chime if I get a message from him and settle into bed. This is going to be a long night.


	4. Email My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This chapter is written solely in emails between Stefan and Colin. I tried to write it in my typical style, but I felt for this chapter it was the best way to get information across. Also, don't worry, this won't be the rest of the fic! It's a bit reminisicent of Love, Simon, and I felt I need to acknowledge that so it doesn't seem like I'm just copying Becky Albertalli. To make up for the new format, I've included quite a bit of content. Anyway, I've rambled on too long. I hope you all enjoy! Please leave kudos and comments! <3

_______________________________________

To: StefanButler1984@CMUMail.com

Subject: I did, indeed, get your email.

Stefan, I’m quite glad to be bothered by you at any hour of the day. However, I’m afraid all I know about you is your name and your school. Tell me more.

Colin Ritman  
6:34 AM  
_______________________________________

To: ColinRitman@TCKRMail.com

Subject: My future autobiography

Colin, I’m quite sorry to tell you that you’ve become penpals with one of the most boring men in the UK. However, I’ll do my best.

I’m Stefan Butler from Richmond. My hobbies include going to bars to not drink, sitting at home and not relaxing, and annotating Greek literature, though I do also love 19th century literature of any genre. I most recently finished Through The Looking Glass. I do have to say, I’m glad to meet a fellow hermit. I have a tendency to isolate myself too, though not usually on purpose. Be in touch, and do tell me about yourself, too.

Stefan  
2:28 PM  
_______________________________________

To: StefanButler1984@CMUMail.com

Subject: Funny you should mention literature.

Stefan, I was also going to bring up literature. I’m enrolled in Orkney College UHI majoring in literature and sociology and minoring in computer science. Lots of big words amounting to books and computers. My real passion is in humanities, but I have a knack for coding and it makes my mum happy that I’m pursuing it even a little bit. I’m also quite boring, so instead of useless facts, here’s some music I like.

II. Earth: The Oldest Computer - Childish Gambino  
King of the Clouds - Panic! At The Disco  
She’s my Collar - Gorillaz  
Pretty Girl - Clairo  
Gasoline - Halsey

Write back soon.

Colin  
3:59 PM  
_______________________________________

To: ColinRitman@TCKRMail.com

Subject: Not so fast...

Colin, while I appreciate the music (I really do, Boy Scouts honor), I would still like to know a little bit about you. You know, stranger danger. This email feels a little empty, so here’s some of my music for you.

It’s Not Living (If It’s Not With You) - The 1975  
I Want To Break Free - Queen  
Cape Town - The Young Veins  
Thank God For Girls - Weezer  
Crush Culture - Conan Gray

Hope you enjoy.

Stefan  
7:18 PM  
_______________________________________

To: StefanButler1984@CMUMail.com

Subject: Stranger danger, ey?

Stefan, I listened to your music recommendations and I really liked them. I feel like you can tell a lot about a person through their music taste. However, I’ll admit that I didn’t give you nearly enough information about myself. 

I’m Colin from Hammersmith, but you knew that already. Everything I’ve already told you is true, so now I have to tell you the less interesting things about me. My older sister and I are the children of a single mum. I’m definitely a cat person. Bit embarrassing, but I’m quite into astrology. I’m an Aquarius, and I really enjoy reading tarot. Maybe I’ll read yours someday. As for my negative habits, I’m trying desperately to kick a nicotine addiction. I know you’re on the edge of your seat, so I’ll make sure to give you updates.

That’s about all for now. 

Colin  
10:02 PM  
_______________________________________

To: ColinRitman@TCKRMail.com

Subject: Goodnight

Colin, I’m about to head to bed, but I wouldn’t have slept well without acknowledging your message. I’d love for you to read my tarot, and I know you’ll beat your addiction. Have faith. Sleep well.

Stefan  
10:34 PM  
_______________________________________

To: StefanButler1984@CMUMail.com

Subject: Have a nice day

Stefan, I’m assuming Monday means classes for you. Whether it does or doesn’t, I hope today treats you well. Let me know how your day has gone.

Colin  
7:24 AM  
_______________________________________

To: ColinRitman@TCKRMail.com

Subject: Day off

Colin, I thank you for your concern. I actually don’t have classes on Mondays, so I just ran around a bit today. I ended up going to Morgan Quarter to look around for a bit. They were selling a limited edition print of The Odyssey, so I spent a little more money than I’d like to admit on that. Also, like always, I had you in mind, and picked up a pack of tarot cards. Then I just did a little grocery shopping. And now I’m home, writing to you. Sorry for the boring play by play. What were you up to today?

Stefan  
3:47 PM  
_______________________________________

To: StefanButler1984@CMUMail.com

Subject: Boring?

Stefan, if I found anything about you boring, we would not be emailing. I’m quite glad to hear about your purchases, especially the tarot cards. Maybe I’ll have to show you how to use them. I’ve been a bit lazy today, I admit. Waiting to hear from you. I was listening to that band you like, The Young Veins, and they sound pretty good. I listened to their album on the way to the shop today, put a little pep in my step. Speaking of the shop, I had a funny little encounter there today, if you’d like to hear about it. 

Talk soon.

Colin  
4:53 PM  
_______________________________________

To: ColinRitman@TCKRMail.com

Subject: Waiting for me, huh?

Colin, you have to know by this point that if you find something funny, I’d love to hear it. On a similar note, isn’t that album good for walking to? I find it’s better when its rainy.

I wonder what it’s like where you are.

Stefan  
5:28 PM  
_______________________________________

To: StefanButler1984@CMUMail.com

Subject: About the shop...

Stefan, I’m flattered, really. But I won’t dwell on that. Anyway, the shop.

I walked to the shop today. It’s quite close to me as Kirkwall is a pretty small city compared to London. Anyway, I was wearing a red jacket and I had a few pins on it, one of them being my rainbow flag pin. As I said before, Kirkwall is so tiny, I don’t know anyone that lives here, yet alone anyone that goes to my school. But just my luck, I walk into the shop and one of my old teachers from secondary school is there. I try to avoid her, but I’m a bit tall and she notices me. She’s making conversation with me whilst I’m clearly trying to leave, and she looks at my pins and sees the rainbow one. Now, since she’s a Catholic school teacher, she has a full conniption. Her sweet pupil became a homosexual after leaving her care? She couldn’t fathom it, and left the shop. I have never and don’t think I ever will see someone get that upset over a multi colored piece of enamel. I have to laugh at this point. So I chuckled to myself all the way home, and here I am, emailing you. Funny, the passage of time. Anything funny happen to you recently?

Colin  
5:59 PM  
_______________________________________

To: ColinRitman@TCKRMail.com

Subject: Need this off my chest

Colin, while I’ll admit, I laughed at the story, it also sent me into a bit of a panic about my own identity. I only ever went to Catholic primary school, so I had a different experience, but I’ve definitely experienced homophobia. I’ve never really said this to anyone but myself and, mistakedly, my dad, but I’m pretty sure I’m gay. My dad kind of tried to talk/hit it out of me, so I tried not to think about it. But yeah. It feels kind of nice to even type this knowing it’s going to someone who won’t care or judge me. Colin, for fear of moving this friendship too fast, I won’t say anything crazy. But thank you for being a good friend to me. For actually showing interest in my wellbeing. I can’t remember the last time I had that. Sorry for rambling.

Stefan  
7:04 PM  
_______________________________________

To: StefanButler1984@CMUMail.com

Subject: Thank you

Stefan, you’re right, I am interested in your wellbeing. I feel honoured that you trust me. Don’t compare your experiences to mine. Comparison will kill you. Feel free to move this friendship along at any pace you’d like, I’m here for it no matter the speed. In my experience, people sometimes don’t want to talk about their sexuality for very long after they come out, so I’ll just say this; don’t let me ever meet your dad. He’ll wish you’d never gone to the post office and met me that day. 

I’m here for the long haul, Stefan. Don’t be afraid.

Colin  
7:48 PM  
_______________________________________

To: ColinRitman@TCKRMail.com

Subject: Bollocks.

Colin, tonight’s taken a bit of a turn for the worse. I’m really not feeling too well mentally. Sorry for the short reply, but I didn’t want to leave your overwhelming support hanging. I really am grateful for it.

Stefan  
10:34 PM  
_______________________________________

To: StefanButler1984@CMUMail.com

Subject: You alright mate?

Stefan, you alright to talk? I told you, I’m here for this friendship no matter what it entails.

Colin  
10:48 PM  
_______________________________________

To: ColinRitman@TCKRMail.com

Subject: Define “alright”

Colin, it feels frustrating to not be able to explain to you what’s going on. I try not to overindulge my feelings, but I’m just feeling proper anxious today, I’m sure you can tell. I take medication for it, but I’m just having a rough day. It’s been so disheartening to feel this way for no reason at all, it makes me feel as if this is all my fault. I don’t want you to worry about me, though. I’ll probably just try to get some sleep.

Stefan  
10:52 PM  
_______________________________________

To: StefanButler1984@CMUMail.com

Subject: Call me.

+44 55 7700 9000

Colin  
10:52 PM  
_______________________________________


	5. I Hear a Sweet Voice Calling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I've been on a bit of a roll with updating lately, so here's chapter five! It's kind of short but it's really soft and I hope you all like it! Make sure to subscribe and leave comments and kudos. Love you all <3

+44 55 7700 9000.

I’ve inputted the number into my phone, but I’ve just been staring at it for a few minutes. I always end up in the position to make the first move, with Colin explicitly stating that he wants me to do so. I still can’t help but think, what If I just didn’t call? Where would our friendship go from there? Would we go on emailing as if nothing had happened? Would we eventually stop talking out of awkwardness?

I’ll never know. I press the dial button.

I hold the phone against my ear with my left hand and pull on my other earlobe with my right. I pace the room, not caring about my downstairs neighbours. The phone begins to ring, and I get the overwhelming urge to hang up, to not bother him. The line goes silent for a moment.

“Stef? Stefan? Can you hear me?”

Stef. Some foreign warm feeling washes over me when I hear that. I allow myself to smile, just a bit.

“Stefan? Is everything okay?” 

“Colin.” It’s barely a whisper. I’d forgotten what he sounded like. 

“It’s me. You’re alright.” He replies, matching my tone. It’s late for both of us, for all I know he has a roommate sleeping in the same room. I feel a bit selfish, I don’t care about any hypothetical distractions; I just want him talking to me.

All I can do is sigh in relief. I repeat his name. 

“Colin-”

“You don’t need to say anything unless you want to. Do you want to talk about it? Your choice.”

He deserves a rational explanation of my feelings, or, at the very least, words. All I can do is start to cry. I feel my breaths becoming shallow, and I try to control myself.

“Everything just feels wrong lately. It only feels right when I’m talking to you.” I let myself admit. Do friends talk this way? I wouldn’t know.

“Sometimes it all gets a little too much. And that’s alright.” He says so little, yet it’s always what I need to hear. 

“I keep saying it. And I’m sorry,” I have to stop and take a few breaths before I start hiccuping. “You’re the only real friend I’ve ever had. Yet we barely know each other. You’re not even here.” As I say it, the realization dawns on me that he might not ever be here. I cry a little harder, clasping my hand over my mouth to muffle the sound.

“I know. It’s the price we pay. Trust me, if I could be there and hold… If I could be there and give you a hug, I would.” I cry a little more at that.

“That’s quite the opposite of the reaction I was hoping for.” He says with a small chuckle. I smile.

“Hey, you stopped crying a little! We’re getting there. It’s like a health bar in a video game. Slowly refilling it, but we’ll get there.” Sometimes I forget Colin and I have video games in common. I let out a short, breathy laugh. We’re both silent for a moment.

“You wanna go get washed up?” I’m quiet. It feels nice to be taken care of, even if it’s over the phone.

“I’ll read you my tarot for today, live over the phone. Some mid-breakdown entertainment.” I laugh. Damn it, he’s good at that.

“I’d like that.” is all I can manage. I start walking to my bathroom, wiping my eyes with the sleeves of my jumper.

“Good. Let me grab my cards and my book.” I hear Colin’s voice trail off a bit, as well as some shuffling.I take a moment to splash my face with cold water and dry off. A few moments later, he’s back.

“I am currently… shuffling the deck… thinking about something I want to see in the cards… but since this is your entertainment... I want you to tell me when to stop.” He sounds quite focused. I let a few seconds pass.

“Stop.” I say. He does.

“Now, I’m taking three cards out of the deck and placing them face down. This is really quite a simple spread, doesn’t take too long. It’s very important to not change the position of the cards. They have different meanings if they’re upside down.” He sounds really, truly happy to be sharing his passion with someone. Maybe he isn’t usually able to. Maybe that’s why we get along.

“Do I get to know what you’re thinking about?” I ask.

“Nope. It makes the interpretation more fun.” He pauses a moment in between those thoughts.

“Cards are all laid out. Let’s flip ‘em over.” I hear three faint noises. 

“First one… the high priestess.” I hear Colin flipping some pages in his book. He clears his throat and begins to read. I take this time to start brushing my teeth.

“Trust your intuition more than your reason; act more on feelings than on facts.” He pauses in contemplation. “Interesting… Next one… Knight of cups, reversed.” 

He flips through his book again. I spit into the sink a little too loudly, but Colin doesn’t say anything. “Stop and think things through before acting. Take a vacation from responsibilities. There is life beyond work... That was a good one.” He sounds excited.

“Pray tell.” I say, curious.

“I’ve been working on a big programming final, it’s driving me a bit mad lately. I’m almost done though, so I suppose there really is no harm in a supposed ‘vacation.’” He answers. Somehow I can hear the air quotes around “vacation.”

“I thought I don’t get to know what you’re thinking about...” I tease. For the first time in a long time, I’m genuinely smiling.

“I was feeling generous.” I can hear his smile through the phone. “Alright… last one. Three of wands.” Again, the sound of flipping pages comes in over the phone. “This is not a lonely time. Use the strength of those around you, teamwork will bring luck... Well that’s nice to hear. Pretty good cards tonight.” By the time he’s done, I’ve settled into bed, laying on my back with my phone balanced on my chest. We’re both quiet.

“Are you alright, Stefan? No knee-jerk response, tell the truth. Are you genuinely feeling okay?” He asks. I feel my eyelids getting heavy.

“Mhmm…” I can only muster a hum of confirmation. I’m all cried out, and I suddenly feel extremely sleepy.

“Colin..?” 

“Yeah?”

“Thanks… for everything.” Colin doesn’t have to respond, I know he’s heard me and that he knows I mean it.

After about 15 minutes, I eventually drift to sleep, weary but happy. I remember grinning as I fall asleep. I don’t recall Colin ever hanging up the phone.


	6. Would You Ever Dance with Me Like That?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for not updating for a while! I had a nasty case of writers block. Anyway, this one is a bit short but I like how it came out. Leave kudos and comments if you enjoy! Thanks <3

I wake up in a bit of an unnatural position, with my hand stuck in the crevice between my bed and the wall, laying on my stomach, with my left foot hanging off the bed. An unusual amount of sunshine is streaming through the blinds. I pick up my phone and check the time, and to my dismay, it’s already noon. I notice that for some reason, I’m currently on a phone call, and apparently have been for the past 12 hours. Then I remember. The breakdown, the tarot, him calling me “Stef.” Everything. I panic and throw my phone across the bed.

How could I let Colin stay on the phone that long? I feel increasingly selfish. And it’s already mid day, I’m sure he has so much to do. I feel the tears well up in my eyes again. What it must be like, not to be so sensitive. Not to feel like a nuisance at all times. I wipe my eyes. Boys don’t cry, just like dad told me.

I retrieve my phone from the end of the bed. I can see I’m on the call, but the other end is silent.

“H- Hello?” I whisper. I don’t want to disturb him if he’s doing something important. The line stays quiet, but I receive a text.

_______________________________________

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
Hey. In class with an earbud in. You can keep talking, but I can’t.

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
You feeling alright?

_______________________________________

I can’t help but smile. Why does he care enough to stay on the phone with me this long? Especially during class? I don’t get it.

“Um… I’m... okay. I guess. Apparently I’m not going to class today.” I nervously laugh. As I speak, it sets in that I actually am missing class because I woke up so late. I’ll try not to let it bother me for now.

_______________________________________

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
Sometimes you need a bit of a break. Happens to the best of us.

_______________________________________

“Yeah, I guess so.” I stay quiet for a moment. “Can you tell me something good? I need to hear it right now.”

_______________________________________

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
“Something good” can mean a lot of things, so I’ll list a few: Colony collapse disorder rates are lowering, I haven’t smoked a cigarette in two weeks, and I’m talking to you.

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
Those were slightly egocentric examples, but I’m in a good mood right now.

_______________________________________

Talking to me. He’s happy that he’s talking to me. He can’t even see me and I’m blushing. 

“Colin, that’s amazing! I’m really proud of you. I am. Good news about the bees, too, yeah?”

_______________________________________

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
Thanks. I couldn’t just quit completely, so now I smoke those essential oil pens. Definitely low on the cool scale.

_______________________________________

“Colin, just by having bleach blonde hair you’ve earned a spot on the cool scale.” I chuckle to myself. I think about his hair and try to picture it in my head, but I can’t. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him, or at least it feels like it. I don’t make a conscious effort to remember his face regularly, so I guess the forgetting curve took over. I feel quite sad about it.

I start speaking off the cuff. “I don’t remember what you look like, Colin. I want to remember, but I can’t.” I admit to him.

_______________________________________

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
I guess you’ll have to see my face soon then. How about a Skype call tonight?

_______________________________________

My heart leaps out of my chest at the thought. Seeing him face to face? As face to face as we can be anyway. I become extremely nervous, but I just can’t stay away.

“I’d really like that, yeah. I miss you, and we’re talking right now. Kind of pathetic... “ I confess to him. Why can’t I watch my mouth when I’m talking to him?

_______________________________________

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
I get it. Don’t tell anyone, but I miss you too. I wish I could leave this class and talk for real. 

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
Uh oh. Professor is yelling about phone use during lectures. Gotta go. Talk tonight.

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
Before I go, I made you a new song list:  
Hold Back The River - James Bay  
Someone New - Hozier  
Shirtsleeves - Ed Sheeran  
Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens  
The City - The 1975

_______________________________________

And with that, the call sadly ends. At the very least, I have some new music to listen to. If I’ve decided I’m not going to class, I might as well make the most out of this day off. I lay back in bed, put my earbuds in, and listen to the songs. 

With each song, I have an odd sensation of infatuation and fear rushing through me. They’re all love songs. 

My dad’s voice starts to ring in my ears yet again.

“Love the sinner, not the sin.”

”Godly choices.”

It feels a little too much. What if he’s right? Would someone who loves me lead me astray? I’ve barely talked to him since I moved to Cardiff. I feel like I should call him, even if it’s for his sake and not mine. I know what he’ll ask though, and decide against it. I can’t either lie about a girlfriend or discuss my new “friend.” Not now. Not with him.

I also haven’t been to church since I moved to Cardiff. I suddenly feel guilty, like I’m sinning just by not being there. I google the nearest cathedral. It’s a three minute walk. I throw on jeans, trainers, and a jumper and head out with nothing but my phone. I want to grab my earbuds to listen to Colin’s music, but even that makes me feel guilty. I head out.

I’m so lost in my own thoughts that I find myself outside of Llandaff Cathedral after what feels like mere seconds of walking. A church’s doors should never be closed, so I let myself in.

I’ve never been one for architecture, but I can tell this is one of the nicest churches I’ve ever been in. The stone walls and high arching ceiling make me feel so small. It’s quite empty as it’s a Tuesday afternoon, so I sit in an empty pew in the middle of the building. 

I sit silently and observe my surroundings for a few moments, taking in the details. The chandeliers and the stained glass windows look sophisticated, and I suddenly feel very underdressed. I assume I look a bit out of place, a disheveled teenager sitting alone in a pew but not praying. I lower myself so I’m resting on the prayer kneeler attached to the bench in front of me, crossing my hands on top of it. I decide against speaking out loud.

_Whoever is up there… hello? You know me… you made me I guess. I’m feeling a little… stressy? About my… heart… my feelings? You know what I’m trying to say. I’m gay. I like men. I don’t want to. I know it’s wrong. But don’t they say you make no mistakes?_

I start to weep. Why am I like this? It’s supposed to be easy. Love is supposed to be uncomplicated. 

_Can I be happy with who I am? Am I allowed to be happy without changing myself? Is that your plan for me? If it isn’t… I don’t quite know what to do with myself if I’m being honest. But please just give me a sign. I need a sign._

I let my head collapse, leaning my forehead against my clasped hands. Maybe dad is right. If I’m supposed to be this way, I shouldn’t feel so miserable about it all the time, right? Or is this all in my head? Am I the only one who really even cares? Too many conflicting thoughts are running through my head. The spacious church nave starts to feel as if it’s closing in on me. I have to get out. I scramble to my feet, grab my phone from the bench, and rush outside. It’s suddenly raining outside. Storms inside, storms outside.

I rush home and crawl into bed just as it starts to pour outside. I don’t register the time passing. I start staring off into space, looking out my window but not really seeing. My eyes feel weary, but as I feel like I may fall asleep, I get a text from Colin.

_______________________________________

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
Skype soon?

_______________________________________

I can’t muster a reply. I just stare at my ceiling. He deserves more than this, but I can’t give it to him right now. I squeeze my eyes shut, not caring about what time it is, and hoping Colin can forgive me tomorrow. 

I have lots of short, realistic dreams. Most of them consist of my dad yelling at me or hitting me. The shortest of all of them involves me being held by someone. I don’t allow myself to entertain who it might be before I turn over once more.


	7. The Sun Rose in Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow. All I have to say here is thank you so much for 1k+ reads. Truly, it makes me so happy that people are enjoying this story. I really like how this chapter came out! If you do too, please leave comments and kudos! Thank you a ton again. Enjoy <3

I hardly remember the walk to Rock and Malt; I recall it being cold and lonely, but that’s about it. I’ve never been here before, yet the restaurant feels familiar. Sitting alone in a booth under the fluorescent lights with a vanilla malt shake in front of me brings me a sense of nostalgia I wasn’t aware I was missing. Sometimes I feel anxious even in situations like this, but with just me and a single waitress in the restaurant, I allow myself to relax.

I lean back in the booth, lazily sipping my shake as I scroll through my phone. After playing a few rounds of Tetris and checking out the mundane Facebook posts of my family members, I decide to check my texts. My heart drops to my stomach as I realize I never responded to Colin’s text about a Skype call. I feel like utter shit. I find myself constantly thinking that he deserves better than whatever I’m giving him in our relationship despite him never giving me that impression. At the very least, he deserves a text back.

_______________________________________

From: +44 55 4293 0394  
Is it too late for that Skype call?

_______________________________________

Colin responds almost immediately.

_______________________________________

From: +44 55 7700 9000  
Not at all. User: ColinRitman

_______________________________________

Despite the freezing rain outside and the unreasonably low temperature inside the restaurant, I feel warm reading his text. I open the Skype app and without sending a friend request, I press the button to start a new video call. 

I’m finding myself to be more spontaneous than I used to be. I second guess the things I’m doing a little less when I’m talking to Colin. I wonder why.

The Skype ringtone stops and the video feed begins to load. I look at myself in the little video in the corner of my phone and fix my hair, hoping he doesn’t notice. I feel ready, but the second the video loads, I know I’m not.

I remember that it’s 1 AM, and I’m reminded by Colin’s appearance. He’s wearing large wire framed glasses and what looks like pyjamas. He’s absentmindedly tracing the rim of a cup of tea with his index finger. I’m assuming he hasn’t realized the call started, and I clear my throat to get his attention. He slowly looks up.

“Hey, stranger.” He says. He suddenly seems to have a bit more energy. 

“Hey.” Is all I say. I want him to talk for a bit, and it seems as though he reads my mind.

“Had a bit of a day today.” He says right before he takes a sip of tea. “Got loads of work done on my programming final. Quite glad I’ve been moving at a quick pace, it feels good to be productive.”

While he talks I allow myself to study his face, a luxury I haven’t had for a while. I definitely remembered one thing correctly, his short, bleach blonde hair. He has prominent eyebrows, but they definitely suit his face. I can tell he has really pretty, light colored eyes, but I can’t make out what color due to the pixelation. He’s damn handsome. Just having that thought makes me blush, and I duck my head, fiddling with the cord of my earbuds.

I suppose I stay silent a little too long, and Colin notices. “You alright?” He asks.

I’m too tired to keep the act up. “You look nice. I forgot how handsome you are.” My blush worsens, and I can’t believe I just let myself say that. Colin’s eyebrows raise, and to my surprise, he’s blushing too.

“Why, thank you.” He gives me a tight lipped smile, the kind that indicates that he’s holding in a bigger grin. The kind that causes him to squint a little. The softest kind of smile.

Colin and I finally return to reality and look at each other. I realize there’s something I have to say.

“Colin, I’m really sorry about not answering you earlier. Without going into it too much, I was just having a bit of a day and needed some time to myself. Some time to think.” I can feel my face scrunch up as I speak. Embarrassing myself is my forte at this point.

“Stef, it’s okay, really. You don’t need to explain yourself to me. And while I’m always happy to talk to you, I realize you must need a break from me.” He smiles through the second part of his statement, cueing me into his sarcasm. 

“Right, of course. So glad you understand.” I jokingly reply back. Colin doesn’t miss a beat in moving the conversation along.

“Unfortunately for you, I already read my tarot today, but I can tell you it was pretty positive. Said I was going to get shit done today and be rewarded at the end of it all. And the cards were right.” He explains. I love hearing him talk about things he loves.

“Oh yeah? What was the reward?” I sip my malt shake again, realizing Colin has no idea where I am and how odd this must look.

“I’m talking to you. I thought it was obvious.” He says this nonchalantly as I choke on my drink. I pray he doesn’t notice. He continues as if nothing happened.

“Oh, I had class today, too. Bit boring, one of my prerequisites. Why am I taking financial algebra if I already took it in secondary school? Makes no sense.” He sips from his mug yet again.

I attempt to restart normal conversation. “I hear you. If I didn’t know how to do this shit already, I wouldn’t be here. Uni could be done so much faster without it.” I feel normal for once. Normal.

Colin leans back in his chair, a swivel chair at a desk I’m assuming. He holds his mug in one hand and has the other resting behind his head. He sits up ever so slightly to continue his tangent.

“Not only is it useless and slow, but those professors have no clue what they’re talking about. It’s like listening to a bloody dictionary in a washing machine. I mean Jesus fu-”

I yank my earbud out as the waitress approaches me with my check. I guess she can tell I’m in the middle of something and she leaves my receipt on the table without a word. I leave a few quid on the table plus tip so I can leave quickly. I wave to the waitress as I exit, pulling on my jacket to brace the cold. I remember Colin on the line and frantically put my earbuds back in my ears.

“Hey, sorry ‘bout that. I was at a malt shop just now. Just realized I forgot to tell you.” I explain breathlessly. I’ve lived through some harsh winters in London, but the cold never fails to leave me winded. I can feel my cheeks and nose starting to get red.

“Don’t worry, I’m here.” Colin says. It’s not exactly fitting, but it feels more like reassurance than a confirmation of what I just said. It’s appreciated nonetheless.

“What were you doing out so late?” He asks. He sounds genuinely concerned.

“I couldn’t sleep, so I headed out to this malt shop down the road from me. Haven’t had one in forever. They remind me of my childhood. Before things got… complicated.” I make a conscious effort to cut myself off. 

Colin doesn’t have to directly respond to what I said for me to know he heard and understands. “And you’re headed back to your dormitory now?” He asks, but I’m sure he knows the answer already.

“Yep. Cold night tonight, this walk feels proper long. But at least you’re here.” I say. 

“So you could say I’m taking you home, yeah?” He leans back in his chair again, grinning. My eyes widen, but I don’t look into the camera, hoping he doesn’t see it.

“I guess so…” I giggle nervously, trailing off. Did he mean it like that? Surely not.

Maybe.

“I’m real sorry for keeping you up so late the past few nights.” I try to continue talking. It’s been all of a few seconds and I miss his voice.

“That also sounds a bit suggestive, doesn’t it?” He ponders out loud. I let out an embarrassingly loud laugh to try to distract from my nervousness. These aren’t unwanted comments, I just don’t know how to react.

“Seriously, though, Stefan. It’s alright.” He sits in silence for a second. “I wish you’d learn that you aren’t a burden, especially to me.”

Tears prick at my eyes. I can’t tell if its from the cold wind hitting my face or Colin’s words. I don’t dwell on it. I just stare at the screen for a bit, forgetting for a moment that he can still see me.

Colin lifts his index finger to the screen, signalling for me to wait. He gets out of his chair and sets up his record player. He settles back into his chair as it starts to play, and I recognize the opening notes of “Change.”

“The Young Veins.” I say, letting Colin know I hear the music.

“You said how much you like them while walking and I just got the vinyl, so I figured I’d play it.” All I can do is smile like an idiot.

“Walking in the cold is hard, let alone talking at the same time. Just listen, I’ll be here when you get home.” He leans back in his chair and starts scrolling through his phone, affirming that he’s chatting with me on his computer. I oblige, stuffing my phone into my pocket as I walk. 

I reach my doorstep as “Dangerous Blues” begins to play. There was a brief intermission of Colin switching to Side B of the record. 

Through soft laughs about absolutely nothing, Colin and I both begin to wind down. Our lights are shut off, we’re both lying in bed, and we’ve switched from Skype to a regular phone call. 

“It’s a bit late mate, I’m gonna have to head to bed.” Colin says with a yawn.

“Will you stay? On the phone. Will you stay on the phone? With me?.” I don’t know why the sentence is so hard to get out. I start over and say what I mean to say. He makes me feel so comfortable but nervous at the same time.

“Will you stay with me?” 

“Sure.” I can hear him grinning somehow. I feel like I know him so well already. 

I plug my phone into the outlet and set it on my nightstand, turning on my side.

“Goodnight Stef.” He says. The nickname sends sparks through me. I decide to try one.

“‘Night, Col.” I say. It feels right.

“Col, huh?” He asks, amused.

“Yeah. Col.” He hums contently at my response.

“Goodnight.”

I sleep extremely well.


	8. We Can Do Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Firstly, happy birthday to Will Poulter (Colin)! I love him so dearly. Anyway, sorry this update took so long! I hope you all like it. Thank you so much for all the lovely comments. Enjoy! <3

The days go by much faster lately. Two weeks start to feel like two days, but I don’t get too stressed. My revision habits have gotten better, and it’s not a coincidence; Colin and I Skype almost every night to do our school work together. 

My phone battery has been suffering, so I Skype him on my computer now. It’s good this way, though. I’m able to show him things or play him songs from my phone. We usually listen to vinyl on his end and stereo on mine. We’ve discovered Troye Sivan together lately, so I’ve taken on the important role of DJ. 

It’s 7 PM on a Wednesday, prime time for one of our calls. I feel a little less nervous being the one to call now, and I don’t hesitate tonight. The call barely rings before he picks it up. At this point we don’t need to say anything, we just fall into a rhythm. I start playing Blue Neighbourhood and we open our school books. Every once in a while, we stare at each other through the screen and smile, just as a reminder that we’re both there. Sometimes I read my school work and don’t understand what it says, so I’ll read it outloud and Colin will help me. Other times he has trouble with a bit of code and I’m able to fix it.

The hours pass a bit slowly tonight, and I feel distracted. I make a bit of a scene shutting my textbook and Colin looks up at me.

“Something’s on your mind. I see it.” He says.

“Do you ever just want to… escape? I just wanna get away from here.”

“Define ‘here.’” He responds, worried as to what I mean.

“Here like… my life.” I realize that sounds a bit worrisome, so I continue. “My whole life has been in the UK. And I just wonder what else is out there for me. Like… would I be happier if I wasn’t here? This country I mean.”

I pause but I feel the need to keep going.

“Like, would my life be the same just in a different place? Or would things have been different for me? Or worse?” I take a breath. “I just want out of the UK. That’s all, I guess.” 

Colin thinks for a moment. “I’d be more worried if you wanted to stay here for the rest of your life. There’s so much out there to see. But who knows how different your life would be.” He cocks his head to the side, thinking. “I don’t think my life would be too drastically different. I’d still be a raging homo.” He says this completely seriously. I chuckle.

“Me too, I guess.” I don’t feel as nervous saying it as I thought I would. 

“I think being born where you were and going through what you go through is important. No one likes to suffer, yeah, but the people who always have it good are so bloody boring. Struggle builds character.” Colin thinks out loud. 

“I guess so. I just don’t like having all my bad memories in one place. I guess I have all my good memories in one place, too. I don’t like that either.” I let the words slip from my mouth without really thinking. “I can’t change the past, but I can move forward with my happiness as the first priority. I guess. I think… I think I’m glad I was born in London.” I finally decide.

“Good. I’m glad you were born here too.” I know we’re both thinking the same thing.

“If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have met you.” I look into his eyes through the screen. He doesn’t have to respond for me to know he feels the same way. We’re silent for a moment.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to get away. I think you should do it.” Colin says. “We could go together.”

“I’ve always wanted to go to the States.” I reply

“I’d like to go to the States. It’s a bit of a mess there, but it seems… better. It seems like more fun.” Colin seems to think a bit. “I’ve always liked big cities. Makes me miss London a bit.”

“You said it, let’s go together.” I say, only half joking.

“Let’s do it someday. Move to some metropolitan city and just get lost in it.” He looks and sounds so dreamy as he says it. Like I’ve awakened some fantasy he didn’t know he was holding onto until now.

And we’re happy. True, genuine happiness. 

Until the phone rings.

I snap out of the daze I’ve fallen into and check the caller ID. It’s my father. I frown, and Colin notices.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, it’s my dad. Gotta take this.” Colin frowns too.

“You being you is enough, don’t let him change your mind.” I can see Colin set his jaw despite his kind words.

“I’ll call you back.” I say, ending the Skype call and answering the phone.

“Hello?” I start, dryly.

“Stefan, do you know that you have a father? It seems you’ve forgotten.” He starts. The guilt trip begins, but this time I’m not afraid. I challenge him.

“Maybe I did, school’s been mad. How you been, dad?”

“Oh things have been going. Just the monotony.” He pauses and I can hear him breathing into the receiver. “I’ve been worried sick about you Stef.”

Hearing someone who isn’t Colin give me a nickname feels wrong. And if he’s been so worried, why is he only calling me now? I don’t want to start a fight with him, so I say what he wants to hear.

“I miss you dad.” It’s a lie.

“I miss you too, Stefan. Have you been keeping your promise?” He asks. God, I hate him right now. I feel mean thinking it, but he’s always made me so miserable. How could I not hate him?

“Yes. I’ve even gone to church, all by myself.” It’s not technically a lie. 

“Good.” More awkward silence. I start to think of the conversation Colin and I just had, and I decide to test the waters a bit.

“Dad?” I start. He doesn’t say anything. “How would you feel if… hypothetically… I moved away after I’m done with uni?”

The line goes silent for a moment. “Your mum wouldn’t approve.” Is all he says. I think I’m getting better, because I know he’s lying. My mum would want me to do anything that makes me happiest.

I’m starting to get fed up. Why must I be conditioned this way? I shouldn’t have to be on eggshells every single time we talk, but here I am anyway. This conversation is over.

“Understood. Phone’s dying, talk later. Bye dad.” I hang up the phone before he can respond. I start a new call with Colin, and he answers quickly yet again. Like he was waiting.

“How’d it go?” He asks out of courtesy, but I’m sure he knows it was awful. I shake a little bit with anger. The feeling persists until it boils over.

“I CAN’T FUCKING STAND HIM.” I yell. “He drives me absolutely mad.” Colin gives me a minute to get it all out.

“It’s so fucking ridiculous. He’s so daft, he doesn’t even have a proper job, and he’s gonna tell me how to live my life? It’s insane.”

Colin nods silently. He knows I need this right now.

“I think he tries to scare me. I see it now. I used to believe his shit because it was all I heard. But now it just gets me pissed. Because I know he’s lying.”

Colin finally interjects. “Well, your dad sounds like an asshole if he tries to do that to you. I’d even say he’s emotionally manipulating you.” 

It feels weirdly nice to hear someone else say it, to know this isn’t all in my head. 

“And I’m sure you’d be right.” I finally relax just a bit. I lean back in my chair and run my hands through my hair in an attempt to calm myself down.

“I need to get my mind off of this.” I sigh, mostly talking to myself but looking right at Colin. Per usual, he knows just what to do to make me feel better. He reaches under his desk for his collection of vinyls.

“Pop or rock?”


	9. Meet You In The Fallin' Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Sorry updates have been so sparse lately, school and extracurriculars and all that jazz are killing me. Anyway, here's a really important + soft chapter! Thank you for your patience with me. Make sure to comment and leave kudos! Enjoy <3

I’ve been much calmer lately. I’m finding time for things I genuinely enjoy, and I’m letting myself enjoy them. I don’t feel guilty for taking time for myself anymore. I don’t know if my meds are finally working or if I’m getting better organically, but I don’t question it.

I highlight a quote in my book; “Nothing beautiful without struggle.” It seems like Plato was right. So was Colin. Struggle really does build character.

As my book starts to slip out of my hands and my eyes involuntarily shut, something is slipped under my door. I close my book and stand up to retrieve it. To my extreme surprise, it’s a bubble mailer from Colin. My heart soars. He took the time and money to physically send me something. I set the package on my desk and start a Skype call without thinking.

The call rings for a bit longer than usual, but eventually Colin answers. He’s sat in what looks like a coffee shop with a mug in front of him. He seems a little sleepy and his glasses have returned. Even when he’s dead tired, he looks good. I decide to take advantage of this moment and fuck with him.

I hold the package up to the camera. “What’s all this?” I try to act natural but I can’t help but grin.

“Seems like a package.” He matches my tone. He gestures with his hand to open it, but I don’t comply just yet.

“Thought snail mail was ‘fucking expensive’ if I remember right...” I raise my eyebrows as if I’ve asked a question.

“Well, it’s worth it for you.” He says casually. The game is over with that one sentence, and he’s won. He has such a hold over me, and I hope he never lets go. My cheeks are bright red and I’m smiling like an idiot yet again. I find myself genuinely smiling a lot when I’m around him. I finally start opening the package.

I tear it open and several bright colored envelopes fall out. They each say “Open when…” followed by some circumstance under which I assume I’m supposed to read their contents. I sort through them for a moment. Some of the headings include “open when you feel stressed,” “open when you need motivation,” “open when you miss me” and “open now!” I guess I should oblige.

As I grab my letter opener, I look at Colin through the screen. He seems so sleepy, but in a dreamy way. Like he’s happy. I am too. I haven’t even opened the letters and I feel a rush of warmth in my chest. Like everything is okay. 

“Colin… you’re the best. Really.” I feel the need to remind him.

“Don’t go getting soft on me…” He jokingly replies. 

“Too late.” I smile as I open the envelope and unfold the letter. His handwriting feels familiar at this point, the uneven capital letters bringing back a feeling of anticipation from when I was waiting weeks at a time to hear from him. I bring the letter close to my face and notice it smells strangely good.

“Did... you put cologne on this?” I intend to make fun of him, but it really makes me happy how much thought he put into this. 

Colin sips from his mug. “Yes, I did. It’s the little things, you know? Now anytime you smell strong cologne, you’ll think of me. See how smart?” He’s so smug, and I love every second of it. I smile and shake my head. I read the letter to myself, inadvertently whispering the words under my breath.

“STEFAN

FIRSTLY, YOU MUST KNOW I THINK YOU’RE AMAZING BY NOW. THERE’S NO ONE ELSE I’D RATHER SPEND COUNTLESS NIGHTS ON THE PHONE WITH. YOU MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY, BUT ALSO CONTENT. THEY’RE SEPARATE FEELINGS FOR ME. I THINK I MEAN SAFE. ALL OF THE ABOVE, I GUESS.

I’M REALLY NOT THE BEST WITH WORDS, SO THESE LETTERS MAY BE A BIT INCOHERENT. BUT I KNEW I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU. AS A THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND LATELY. NO NUMBER OF MILES BETWEEN US HAS BEEN ABLE TO CHANGE MY AFFECTION FOR YOU, AND I DON’T THINK IT EVER WILL. 

I LIKE YOU A LOT, STEFAN. TAKE THAT HOW YOU WILL.

ANYWAY, I’M ASSUMING WE’RE ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW, SO ASK ME ABOUT CHRISTMAS. 

COLIN”

There’s so much to digest in those few paragraphs, and I have time for none of it while Colin is on the phone, watching me read them. I feel emotional from the sheer fact that he called me his best friend. And what the fuck does “I like you a lot” mean? There’s too much for me to process all at once, so I guess I’ll ask him about Christmas.

“So… Christmas?” I start. I cough, and my blush deepens. Oh, what he does to me.

He looks genuinely nervous, meticulously cleaning his glasses and fidgeting with the hinges. “So… I guess it’s a question first. Are you going home for Christmas?”

The question has some weight to it, and I’m sure he didn’t mean for it to. I do reckon I’m a bit homesick for Richmond, but I’d have to see my father if I went home. I think on it for a moment and decide the pros outweigh the cons.

“I think so, yeah. You?” I keep my reply short. It’s slightly fun to see Colin squirm. He never seems nervous, so I have to wonder what’s coming next.

“Uh, yeah, yeah.” He clears his throat. “Um… I doubt you remember, it’s not important, but… I’m going back home to Hammersmith. Which is probably about 10 minutes from you…”

I can tell where he’s going, and my heart rate quickens. No. This can’t be happening. It’s too good to be true. 

“Would you want to meet up? I mean we’re close to each other and all and we could walk around London together or do whatever you want and I-”

“Colin, are you kidding me?” He looks up, eyebrows furrowed with nerves. “I’d love nothing more.” I can see the stress leave his body when I say those 4 words. 

“Oh… good…” Colin anxiously forces a laugh, taking another sip from his mug. His phone is propped up against something on the table in front of him, and I can see him picking at the skin around his nails. It’s my turn to comfort him.

“Colin, you’re really so great. You’re always so… gentle with me. I’m so grateful. I truly want nothing more than to finally see you. I have so much love for you, I-” I cut myself off, realizing what I said. I promptly shut up, but Colin looks up at me with a surprised smile.

“Love is a strong word, I didn’t mean to-” I start again, but Colin stops me. 

“I have a lot of love for you, too. Love can mean whatever you want it to mean.” I silently thank God he gave me a way out here.

“Haha, yeah…” As I have a small mental break, Colin checks his watch.

“Oh, I’ve gotta run. Love ya.” He says casually and ends the call. I can tell he meant it, but in the friendly kind of way. Right?

It’s enough for me to fling myself onto my bed like a child. I scream into my pillow and dance around my room for a few minutes. I haven’t felt carefree in so long, and it’s all thanks to him. Christmas suddenly can’t come fast enough.


	10. A Hundred Thousand Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Had a bit of writer’s block so this is a different tone. Anyway, big developments this chapter! Thank you all for reading, and make sure to leave comments and kudos! ♡

I’ve been asleep on and off today. I feel mentally drained and I have no clue why. I sadly skip the nightly Skype call that I’ve become accustomed to and decide to try to fix my sleep schedule. Colin once told me to try melatonin since I seem to always be awake. I quickly realize it’s a mistake. 

The hormone works quickly and I’m in a deep sleep, but I know I’m tossing and turning. I’ve never been much of a dreamer but tonight throws me for a loop.

I dream that I’m building something, or at least doing or making something new. I try to figure out what it is, if it’s even a tangible thing, but I just can’t tell. There’s people there for sure, but I can’t identify them either. I can register very few things, but I feel safe and warm. It’s a nice dream, and I feel like I’m remedying something I didn’t know was broken. Or I vaguely did know and I ignored it. It’s confusing, but I feel uncharacteristically happy for a change. I can feel some semblance of sunlight hitting my face. Perhaps I feel free. The dream doesn’t go on long enough for me to figure out what I’m free from.

Just as I think that maybe I should be taking melatonin more often, things shift. This one also feels fuzzy, but I can sense what it is; the day my mother died. I think in my daily life I can recall the day fairly well, but in this haze I can’t. All I know is that she’s gone. I remember sitting on the floor in front of my father. I don’t remember if he was sad in real life, but in here he’s silent. The air around me feels heavy, like there’s a weight on my chest. I know that I was a boy when she died, but I find myself as a young adult here, sitting exactly how I was. My legs are crossed like a child. Maybe nothing has changed. I look back at my dad even though I don’t choose to do it, and he’s smiling.

I jolt awake. I’ve only been asleep for an hour, but it feels like much longer. I decide that I really don’t like dreams. I take a sip of water and allow myself to calm down, but the sleep overtakes my eyelids again and I fall back into bed. It feels like I was dragged back into this dreamscape, not like I chose to go back.

I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to go back to the happy dream I had at first. But why would I. I’m home with dad, but I’m sitting in my room alone. Somehow I can tell he’s there because I feel freezing cold. I feel like I’m being pulled down into my desk chair by a force much stronger than gravity. I’m able to look around and can see my room so clearly, much more clearly than I’ve been able to make out anything else so far. I try to reach for something, anything to ground me or help me wake up or just realize it’s a fucking dream, but I can’t. I try to grab a book from my desk, but it keeps getting further and further away. 

I knew this would happen, but I still don’t want it. Dad enters the room, arms crossed with a stern look on his face. He doesn’t have to speak for me to know that he knows I’ve lied to him. About what? Who knows. I’m just sure something has gone wrong. Everything moves in slow motion as he unbuckles his belt. I just close my eyes and wait.

But I hear a familiar voice, the first voice I’ve been able to recognize. Colin is here, standing in front of me. I can tell it’s him and that he’s speaking, but I somehow can’t hear it. I try so hard to focus in on what he’s saying, but I only catch bits and pieces. “It’s not your... who he can and who he can’t… Leave him alone...” 

And just as quickly as he was here, towering over me, threatening me without even opening his mouth, he’s gone. The same warmth from earlier fills the room. The colors change, as if sunshine has started streaming through my window after a rainstorm. 

Colin finally turns to face me, and I’m able to stand up. I know nothing about his real life height, but he towers over me here. It’s not menacing though, it’s comforting.

I don’t think, I just fling myself into his arms. There’s no awkwardness, he just holds me tightly. It’s more than a hug, it’s a promise. That everything will be okay. If not now, eventually. I burrow my head in his chest, and I can so distinctly smell his cologne.

After either minutes or hours, I pull away from him. And we do what we always do, just look at each other. I grab his face and he’s placed his hands around my waist. I don’t know what I’m doing, I just start to lean in.

I jerk myself awake again. I can’t stop shaking and I’ve broken out in a cold sweat. My dark room feels like it’s spinning in circles and I can’t stop it. I shut my eyes and hold my head in my hands until everything finally calms down. I’m sat panting in bed, wiping the sweat from my forehead.

I think I’m in love with Colin.


	11. Love Me Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I decided to bring back the messaging format for this one! I won't say too much, but of course, thank you so much for reading and make sure to leave comments and kudos! I love you all <3 <3 <3

I just don’t understand it. Why is admitting this so difficult? Much more difficult than even letting myself be okay with being gay. Of course, the first real crush I have is on a guy totally out of my league and in another country. My brain hurts from all of this.

Maybe Colin wrote me a letter that can help.

I start scrounging through the pile of multi-colored envelopes, flipping through them with shaky hands until I have to decide between two of them; “open when you can’t sleep” and “open when you’re overthinking.”

I throw them to the ground in frustration. Even when I’m panicking about Colin, I indirectly go to him for help. I just need to get out of my own head, but my thoughts won’t stop.

I reminisce on the end of the dream I just woke up from. It just felt natural for Colin to have his hands resting on my hips. It felt right.

I splash my face with cold water in an attempt to silence my brain.

His hair is short, yet I can’t stop myself from thinking about running my hands through it. Just to be close to him.

Stop that. Now.

I stumble through the darkness of my dorm room back to my bed, turning on my lamp and looking through the book collection on my nightstand. Something, anything to take my mind off this. I can’t even settle on a book. No piece of literature from renaissance to realist will help me now. The panic sets in.

Love is such a strong word, especially to use about a person. And in the way I said it. Well, thought it. Colin always tells me he loves me, but he means it in a different way. I start overthinking that, too. Different how? What am I trying to prove to myself in convincing myself I like him more than he likes me? Can I just not allow myself to have anything good?

It’s a good thing I’m sitting on my bed because I feel myself start to black out. I’m gone before I’ve even hit the pillow. 

Somehow, I wake up at 4 PM. I can’t think of a time I’ve slept so late. Gay panic takes a lot out of you, I guess. I feel like I’ve missed an entire day, and I’m sure I have many angry emails from my professors about missing class. I don’t care to check, I only see texts from Colin. 

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
Just checking in. You open any of the other letters yet?

_______________________________________

He must have had class today too, as the first text is from the early morning and the others are from just an hour ago.  
_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
You alright?

From: Colin ♡  
Sorry to spam you. Just wanna make sure you’re okay. 

_______________________________________

I have to reply, I’ll feel even worse if I don’t.

_______________________________________

To: Colin ♡  
Sorry, slept in. All good. 

_______________________________________

It’s partially a lie. I hate lying to him, but this really is the one thing I can’t talk to him about. 

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
Skype later?

_______________________________________

I want to leave the message alone. I feel so scared lately. Scared that I’m going to mess this up or something’s going to happen and it’ll be my own fault. But nothing Colin has done has shown me that that will happen. Even when I’m having a complete crisis about our relationship, I still know he cares. I put my fears and self-doubts aside and type a reply.

_______________________________________

To: Colin ♡  
I don’t think so. I don’t feel great tonight, but I’d rather not talk about it. Just thought I owed you a reply after all you’ve done for me.

To: Colin ♡  
Thanks for checking in.

_______________________________________

I let myself send one more message.

_______________________________________

To: Colin ♡  
Love you. :)

_______________________________________

I debate sending the smiley face as it’s the exact opposite of how I feel mentally right now, but I figure it adds a bit of charm to the message. I also hope it’s enough to show him that nothing is horribly wrong. I finally turn off my phone for the night.

I throw on my coat and shoes and grab my wallet, practically running outside. It’s freezing, even for December. After a bit of walking, though, I’m grateful for the temperature. It allows me to focus on my frozen hands and face for a minute instead of Colin. 

I pass the chemist’s and realize I left my dorm without a destination in mind. The cold is starting to get unbearable, so I head in. 

I constantly find myself wandering around this shop when I’m overthinking. It leads to some pretty unnecessary purchases, such as a new face mask, several pints of ice cream, and black nail varnish. 

What if I had never met Colin? What if he doesn’t actually like me, he just feels bad for me? Or worse, what if I’m just a friend to him when he means the world to me? I don’t know if I could live with that.

I decide to try to prove myself wrong. I start compiling a mental list of all the signs that he feels the same way. Firstly, his jokes about “taking me home” on Skype that night. I thought he was joking, but it was awfully flirty. Of course, there are the letters he just sent me. He spent time and money to do it, he even sprayed cologne on them so I would think of him. He always talks about being gay, so sexuality isn’t a barrier here. He blushes when I call him handsome. We Skype almost every day. He’s always checking up on me. He even says he loves me.

With that last thought, I get a little dizzy. I think that hurt me more than it helped because now I’m fixated on the remote possibility that he could feel the same way. I head to the checkout counter clumsily. I must look high or drunk. I wish.

I have a vague memory of walking home, still freezing. I dissociate for a long time until I find myself back in my dorm, painting my nails, eating ice cream, and watching an episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved about the Zodiac Killer. I’m thoroughly distracted for about an hour, waiting for my nails to dry. I like the way it looks.

After going through almost the entire YouTube channel, one of the supernatural videos creeps me out and I have to turn it off. It’s already 3 AM, so I brush my teeth, change, and get into bed.

I lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling. It’s so quiet that I can hear the crickets outside. Any sense of relaxation I let myself have earlier starts to fade away as my mind goes back into overdrive. He really is all I think about. I miss him, but talking to him would be too hard right now. At least until I get this under control. 

I need to hear from him somehow. I get out of bed and sort through the letters until I find the one reading “open when you’re overthinking.” I gingerly open it, careful not to rip anything. I unfold the letter and it’s spritzed with Colin’s cologne. I close my eyes and just sit there with the letter in my hand, nervous for some reason. When I finally feel ready, I open my eyes and start reading.

“STEFAN,

OBVIOUSLY I’M NOT THERE RIGHT NOW, SO I CAN’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE OVERTHINKING ABOUT EXACTLY. AND I KNOW YOU, SO I KNOW YOU DEFINITELY HAVEN’T TOLD ME, SO I CAN’T SAY MUCH. BUT YOU’VE COME TO ME ANYWAY. I GUESS IT FEELS GOOD TO BE NEEDED.

I CAN SAY ONE THING FOR SURE THOUGH. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. I’M NOT RELIGIOUS AT ALL, BUT I DO PRAY THAT YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU WANT AND DESERVE IN LIFE. AND I ESPECIALLY PRAY THAT IT INCLUDES ME SOMEHOW. 

I’M GLAD WE’VE STARTED SAYING ‘I LOVE YOU’ TO EACH OTHER. IT’S QUITE IMPORTANT TO ME, AND I DON’T HEAR IT VERY OFTEN. 

I LOVE YOU. THAT’S ALL. 

IT’S ALL GONNA BE OKAY. AND IF FOR SOME REASON IT’S NOT, I’LL BE HERE ANYWAY.

COLIN”

I want to cry, but no tears come for some reason. I just hold the letter to my face and inhale the scent of his cologne, yearning for it despite practically never meeting him. The thought of him sitting down to write this swirls around my brain. Maybe he does love me like I love him. 

The tears finally start to fall. I cry silently, shaking a bit. I sit with my back against the wall, just staring at the letter in front of me with blurred vision.

“I love you, too.” I whisper. I really hope he knows it.


	12. Hot and Fast and Angry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Happy late Valentine's Day! This one is back in the messaging format, see I said I'd bring it back! It's a little short but it was needed. Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day, and I especially hope you enjoy! Make sure to subscribe and leave comments and kudos! <3

NEW MESSAGE ALERT

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
I’m sorry you had a bad day yesterday. I guess it’s my turn today.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
I’m sorry to hear that.

From: stef ♥  
Can we talk about something?

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
Sure.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
I feel like I like you a lot more than you like me.

From: stef ♥  
Not feel like, more worry.

From: stef ♥  
And not really “like.” I'm not sure it's based on anything.

From: stef ♥  
I’m not sure what I mean.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
Is it something I did?

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
I don’t think so.

From: stef ♥  
Just overthinking our relationship.

From: stef ♥  
And I worry that I need you a lot more than you need me.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
Stefan, you know I love you.

From: Colin ♡  
You know how important you are to me.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
I know, I just second guess everything lately.

From: stef ♥  
It’s my fault.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
Your anxiety isn’t your fault, I want you to know that.

From: Colin ♡  
But I’ve had such a bad day. Can we just talk like we always do?

From: Colin ♡  
I miss that.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
Sure, sorry my anxiety got in the way. 

From: stef ♥  
Won’t happen again.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
You know that’s not what I meant.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
I want to help you Colin, but you make it so hard sometimes.

From: stef ♥  
I wish you would talk to me. I always tell you when something’s wrong, but you always act like everything’s perfectly fine.

From: stef ♥  
I’m here for you Col.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
It really doesn’t feel like it right now.

From: Colin ♡  
I didn’t mean that.

From: Colin ♡  
Stefan I’m sorry.

From: Colin ♡  
Stefan?

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
No, it’s okay.

From: stef ♥  
I knew I needed you more than you need me.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
That’s not true.

From: Colin ♡  
Stef please.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
I’m sorry too.

From: stef ♥  
Today just feels weird.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
For both of us.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
I’ll just go.

From: stef ♥  
I’m sorry I made it worse.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
Stefan, you didn’t. I don’t know how many ways I can say it.

From: Colin ♡  
I want to say it until you believe it, but sometimes I need time to work on myself.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
And you deserve that.

From: stef ♥  
I’m scared, Colin.

From: stef ♥  
Scared you’ll hate me somehow.

From: stef ♥  
Scared of what our relationship is going to become.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
I’m sorry, but I can’t do this today.

From: Colin ♡  
I promise we’ll talk about this later.

From: Colin ♡  
I guess I’ll just take some time to myself tonight.

From: Colin ♡  
Get some rest, Stefan.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
Please don’t leave angry at me.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
I’m not angry, just tired.

From: Colin ♡  
It’ll be fine.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
I love you, Colin.

From: stef ♥  
More than I’ll ever be able to say.

From: stef ♥  
More than you’ll ever probably realize.

From: stef ♥  
I love you.

From: stef ♥  
Colin?

_______________________________________


	13. Feeling Stupid, Feeling Small

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Not much to say here except this chapter was super fun to write and I feel like I explored Stefan as a character a bit more here. It's a long chapter, so I probably won't have an update for a bit. Thank you for bearing with me! Make sure to leave comments and kudos!
> 
> ~
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to my lovely friend Yai who is always supporting me <3

For lack of a better word, I really fucked this one up.

I’ve moved past the sadness and now I’m just plain angry. Angry at myself. Colin is always there for me and has done nothing but support me, but the one time he needed me to be there for him, I couldn’t do it. I guess I’m just selfish. 

It’s so pathetic. My immediate thought was to ask Colin what to do, but I can’t, clearly. Not directly, anyway. I sit on the floor near my bed, cross legged, and start shuffling through the letters he gave me. Open when you need to laugh, open when you need to rant, open when you’re crying, open when after we meet… I finally find one that says “open when we’re fighting.”

I don’t even reach for my letter opener, I just tear it open. Maybe I’m a bit aggressive right now. I take a breath and make a conscious effort to gingerly unfold the contents. This letter is much shorter than the others. I’ve come to expect Colin’s scent every time I open one of these, but this time it makes me sad. I start reading.

“STEFAN

I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING. IF WE’RE FIGHTING AND IT’S MY FAULT, I WANT TO START BY SAYING I’M SO SORRY. FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, I AM. A LETTER REALLY ISN’T ENOUGH, BUT HOPEFULLY YOU’LL GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO TRULY APOLOGIZE, FACE TO FACE. OR, SCREEN TO SCREEN. 

IF WE’RE FIGHTING AND IT’S YOUR FAULT, KNOW THAT I’VE PROBABLY ALREADY FORGIVEN YOU AND I JUST CAN’T SWALLOW MY PRIDE AND TELL YOU. IT’S ONE OF MY SHITTIEST TRAITS. 

IF IT’S BOTH/NEITHER OF OUR FAULTS, I HOPE WE CAN WORK THIS OUT SOON. I KNOW WE WILL.

BUT I KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE, NO MATTER WHOSE FAULT IT IS. THROUGH IT ALL, I’LL STILL BE HERE. I’LL STILL LOVE YOU.

COLIN”

Well now I feel worse. Even when we’re fighting, he’s there for me. What the fuck is my problem? If I love him so much, why can’t I do the same for him?

I know that I definitely can’t hold my alcohol, but I really don’t know what else to do right now. I throw on my shoes and coat and call for a cab. 

The entire ride to The Cambrian Tap, I contemplate on how bad of an idea this is. I know for a fact it won’t solve my problems, and I know I’ll feel sick afterwards. But the one pro makes it all worth it: I’ll finally feel something other than sadness.

I arrive at the pub and pay the cab driver. The second he drives away, I feel sick and stranded, like I’m about to pay heavily for this. I’m so tired of being sad. I push the doors open.

I’m instantly engulfed in the unintelligible rock music playing in the pub, the bass vibrating through the floorboards. It’s a Friday night, so it’s quite crowded. Swarms of people move about the small establishment, definitely creating a fire hazard. Every seat at the bar is taken, but I head over to order a drink.

“What’ll it be?” The bartender asks. He’s polishing a glass with a towel, and he has another rag over his shoulder. It feels like something out of a movie, like I’m not really here, but I’m watching this play out. I quickly realize I know nothing about alcoholic beverages, so I spit out the first drink I can think of.

“One screwdriver, please.” I tug on the sleeve of my coat, becoming warm and nervous. I’m surprised that the man doesn’t ask me for my ID. I guess it’s not that kind of bar.

“Here you are, 8 pounds.” I can barely make out what the man says over the music and the buzz of people talking. I reach into my wallet and give him a 10 pound note, gesturing for him to keep the change.

I take the drink and start searching for a place to sit. I only see a seat at a high top table in the corner. There’s already a blonde girl sitting there, stirring her drink with the little umbrella it was garnished with. She looks all done up with no one to talk to, but I’m not sure if she wants to be interrupted. I sip my drink and my throat burns. I don’t care, I need somewhere to sit.

“This seat taken?” I ask her, pointing at the chair. She seems to come out of a trance of some kind, looking me up and down. 

“It is now, doll.” She smiles and gestures to the chair. I awkwardly take a seat and sip my drink once again. I can tell how uncomfortable I look and I quickly drink down the rest of my beverage. I already feel a little dizzy.

“You alright there, love?” The girl asks me. 

“Just had to get out of the house. Been feeling quite shit lately.” I decide against boring her with my problems. I need more alcohol fast.

“I’ll drink to that.” She finishes her drink too, grabbing a passing bartender by the arm.

“What were you having?” She asks. I open my mouth to answer, but she’s already turned to the bartender again.

“Two Negronis over here, if you can.” The bartender gives me a look that says this girl has been here for a while, but he obliges.

“So what are you doing here?” She leans her cheek against her hand and rests her elbow on the table, almost falling over but managing to balance herself.

“Just the closest pub. Needed to distract myself. Now here we are.” I smile a bit and realize how much of a lightweight I am.

“Oh me too. Just been pissed off too many times today. Guys can be fucking difficult.” She explains.

“Tell me about it.” I whisper under my breath. It dawns on me that I know nothing about this girl. “What’s your name?” I ask her.

“June. What’s yours, love?” She maintains a lazy grin, just staring at me.

“Stefan.” June reaches her other hand out to shake mine, her wrist drooping a little, showing me how truly shitfaced she is. I return the gesture, and the bartender arrives with the drinks.

“Add it to my tab.” She says to him, still smiling. He nods silently and leaves. I can’t get the drink down fast enough.

It’s bitter but slightly sweet, like grapefruit juice. I can tell it’s strong, but it’s exactly what I wanted. I finish the whole thing in two sips.

“Eager, aren’t ya?” June laughs at me and follows my lead. My head is swimming, but I can only focus on the feeling and on June in front of me. I think it helps to be forcibly distracted. I need more.

“Yes. Shots?” I suggest. She nods and takes my hand, leading me to the bar to order. I’ve never had a shot in my fucking life. It sounds like a good idea for some reason right now.

I lose count of how many we do, probably about 5 or so. I feel so dizzy and I can hardly stand, I have to hold onto the counter for support. June grabs my shoulder and just laughs. Everything moves in slow motion. I can tell the bartender has cut us off for real now, and we stumble around the pub searching for somewhere to station ourselves before we fall over. We find a tiny piece of uncrowded wall and lean against it, just laughing at everything. 

“You’re pretty cool, June. And pretty.” I slur my words, but I mean it. I can browse even if I don’t buy.

“You’re not too bad yourself.” June smiles. Her makeup is a bit smudged at this point. 

The dizzy feeling returns and I lean my hand against the wall and close my eyes, trying to stable myself. I’m still giggling.

I finally open my eyes, but June has stopped laughing. She places one hand on my shoulder and the other on the back of my head and pulls me in. My reflexes are impaired and I don’t know what to do, so I just stand there. Her lips meet mine and her eyes close. She tightens her grip on my shoulder and pulls herself closer to me. I stand there tasting the alcohol, unable to move out of sheer panic. I finally snap out of it and pull away. She looks both surprised and annoyed. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, further ruining her lipstick.

“June…” I don’t know how to let her down here and my head is starting to pound even more. “I’m gay. I like guys.” It still feels weird to say even when I can’t think and the ground feels shaky underneath me.

“Oh.” She says. Her face is blank. “I need to go to the bathroom.” She says as she starts stumbling away. She bumps into me and I almost fall over. I think I need to go home.

I step out of the pub to call another cab but the numbers on my phone are all blurry. I can’t type the number, so I press the most recent one in my call log. Luckily, it’s the right one and I tell the driver the address of the pub. I stand outside freezing and feeling like I can barely balance myself. Luckily, the cab arrives quickly and I practically fall into the backseat. I’m sure the driver is tired of calls like these.

“Cardiff… Metropolitan Uni… Dorms?” I think I’ve said something intelligible because the car starts moving. I have to close my eyes to avoid being sick. 

After either seconds or hours, the car finally stops. I throw a few notes at the driver and apparently it’s enough. I get out of the car without being stopped, and he drives off.

I only know the way to my dorm through sheer muscle memory, and I somehow get back to my room successfully. I kick my shoes off and fall face first onto my bed, my ears ringing and my brain slamming against my skull. I don’t fall asleep, but I can tell I’ve laid there for about an hour. I finally feel like I can get up without being sick.

I never told Dad that I’d be going home for Christmas. I think now would be a good time. 

I can finally make out the symbols on my phone, and I dial his number. I giggle to myself. I’m so fucked. The phone rings for quite a bit until Dad finally picks up.

“Stefan? Is everything okay?” Dad’s voice is groggy. I don’t care.

“Yeah… everything is all good…” I drag out the end of the words “all good.” 

“Stefan it’s 3 in the morning, why are you calling me?” I’ve definitely woken him up. I laugh again.

“Stefan, are you on something?” I laugh at this too. He’s so funny all of a sudden.

“No… Not like that…” I can’t help dragging out the end of my words. Everything is so funny, I can’t stop giggling to myself.

“Stefan…”

“Dad… Can I come home for Christmas? Pretty please…” I don’t know why I’m begging him, I’m sure he’ll say yes. I don’t know why I’m on the phone with him either. When did I get home? Is it really 3 AM?

“Sure, Stefan. Can I go back to bed now?” He’s exhausted. 

“Sure thing… Wait. Dad?” I have to ask him something very important.

“Yes, Stefan?” I can tell he wants nothing more than to hang up.

“What’s your favorite drink? Tonight I tried a screwdriver and I did shots and I think I had my first kiss with this girl at the pub which was weird and I-” He cuts me off.

“Goodnight, Stefan.” The call ends and I pout. He didn’t let me finish.

I imagine waking my dad up at 3 AM and I start giggling all over again. He was so mad. I go into a laughing fit on the floor, holding my stomach.

I pull myself back up and calm down, but my stomach can’t handle it and my head is pounding once more. I run to the toilet just in time as all the drinks from tonight make their way back up. When I’m done I just lay on the bathroom floor in pain. I think about June and how disappointing that must have been for her. Poor girl. I also think about Colin. If that kiss did anything, it reminded me how fucking gay I am. 

I come to the realization that I would really like to kiss Colin. 

If I want to kiss him at some point, I need to make this right.

After I nap on the bathroom floor for a bit. 

My eyes involuntarily shut, and the heat from the radiator under the window lulls me to sleep. It’ll all be better tomorrow. Maybe.


	14. Be Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I don't have much to say here except I hope you like this chapter! Expect Colin and Stefan to finally meet within a few chapters :). Please make sure to subscribe and leave comments and kudos! Thank you!
> 
> ~
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to my wonderful friend Gabi, who has supported this fic from the beginning <3

I wake up on the ground, freezing cold now that the heater has turned off. My neck is stiff and I’m curled up in a ball wedged between the toilet and the wall. I struggle to pull myself up and lean against the cabinet under the bathroom sink, immediately feeling lightheaded. It’s far too bright outside for my liking and I squint as I look out the window. 

After a few minutes of attempting to get my bearings, I grab the bathroom counter and hoist myself up to stand. I lean forward and stare at myself in the mirror, pulling at the bags under my eyes. I still have a terrible headache from the night before. My breath is absolutely awful. I start brushing my teeth, still looking into the mirror. I look half deceased. That’s the first and last time I get drunk.

I plug in the coffee maker that Dad insisted I bring with me to uni. I’ve never used it up until this point, but it feels like it could help right now. I remember reading something once that black coffee helps with hangovers, so I put a coffee pod in the machine and place my mug under the dispenser.

The coffee is scalding hot and far too bitter for my liking, but it definitely wakes me up a bit. Growing up, Dad used to drink black coffee with cinnamon in it. I don’t have cinnamon, nor do I want to be similar to him in any way. I suck it up and drink the coffee as is.

I sit down at my desk and let myself stare off into space for a little bit. I can’t believe what I did last night, it’s so unlike me. I also can’t believe I am a gay man and my first ever kiss was with a girl. I can’t even remember her name. Jessica… Julia… It doesn’t matter. With any luck, I’ll never see her again.

I finally start to focus on the reason I’m in this situation in the first place; Colin. I instantly feel like garbage thinking about this. His letter said he’s probably already forgiven me. That doesn’t mean I don’t owe him an apology, though. I just have no clue where to even start. 

I have no idea what time it is and I’m definitely not thinking straight. So I do the only thing that makes sense; I open Skype and start a video call with Colin.

From what I can see out my window, it should be about midday. It’s a Saturday, so hopefully Colin isn’t busy. I stare desperately at the screen, praying to see his face, even just for a second. The call finally connects. 

Colin refuses to look at me, he’s looking down at his hands on the desk in front of him. I see him shuffling his tarot cards. I miss hearing about his daily readings. 

The silence is almost painful. I stare wordlessly into the screen, praying he’ll even acknowledge me. That prayer goes unanswered, and I have to think of something to say to break the ice.

“Was your reading for today good?” I weakly smile, but I can tell he hears the desperation behind my voice.

He leans back in his chair, finally setting down the cards. He still doesn’t say anything, he just looks up at me. There’s a mix of sadness and annoyance in his eyes. He sniffles a bit, and I notice that his eyes are a little red. He’s been crying.

“Good afternoon..?” I try again. Colin doesn’t even flinch.

“How have you been..?” I’m trying here. I don’t know what he wants me to say. He sniffles again.

“Fine.” He says. It’s a remark under his breath, but there’s still a harshness to it, as if he’s daring me to ask further. I challenge him, knowing he doesn’t want me to notice this.

“You’ve been crying.” It’s a monotone statement, but I really am concerned. Since I’ve obviously noticed, Colin allows himself to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand and he sniffles once more.

“I don’t cry.” He starts. I cock my head to the side a bit in an attempt to show him that I’m here to listen this time. “I never cry…” His voice breaks a little bit.

“Colin…” I try. He pinches the bridge of his nose with one hand, blocking his face from view. His shoulders go up and down a little bit, indicating the silent tears falling down his face. I feel so shitty.

“I’m here. For real. No more games. I want to know what’s wrong. I want to help.” I’m practically begging him to believe me. He takes a breath in an attempt to stop the tears and regain composure.

“It’s just…” I can tell the words are about to fall out involuntarily. I stay silent and just look at him. I don’t want to push him, but I hope he knows I’m listening this time.

“I felt really bad about what happened the other day or like it’s my fault and then all I wanted was to talk to you but my pride got in the way and it was killing me not knowing if you were okay too and I thought you wouldn’t wanna talk to me anymore and then I got scared that you wouldn’t come home for Christmas and we wouldn’t meet and that you hated me or something and I-”

He cuts himself off with a hiccup from hyperventilating. This is far too painful to hear. I hate seeing him so distraught. He’s never like this. Why do I have this effect on him?

“Colin. Everything is okay. If it wasn’t, why would I be calling you?” He finally looks up at me. His cheeks are bright red. He maintains his gaze as he wipes his face with the sleeves of his oversized jumper.

“Nothing could ever make me hate you.” He looks down again. “Hey. Nothing.” He meets my eyes once again, smiling the slightest bit.

“I read one of your letters.” I say. He starts to blush a little bit. 

“Yeah?” he whispers, smiling a little more. We’re getting there.

“You said no matter what, you’d still be here. You’d still love me. And I feel the exact same way. I want nothing more than for you to be in my life.” I start getting a bit embarrassed myself. 

“I’m gonna be here for you. This won’t be one-sided. Not anymore. I’m so, so sorry, Colin. You needed me and I pushed you away.” The guilt creeps up on me again. 

“It’s okay. I know that now. Everything is gonna be okay.” He sounds like he’s telling himself more than he’s telling me, but that’s alright. We both take a moment to collect ourselves, and we’re smiling again.

“Do you wanna talk about whatever was bothering you before?” I try. I don’t want to make him upset again, but I need to offer my support where it was lacking before. He wipes his cheeks once more, and they’re finally dry.

“Yeah… I was on the phone with my sister the other day. I always thought she was so cool, you know? She was like that impossibly cool older sibling that you always wanted to be around.” He seems to daydream a bit as he talks. I love his voice so much.

“You ended up pretty cool yourself.” I say. He chuckles to himself a bit before he continues.

“We were never super close but we were close enough, you know? We got along. And of course I loved her, she’s my sister, but I genuinely liked her. I liked being around her. Like I wanted to be with her even when we were so sick of each other.” He stares off into space for a moment, getting lost in his nostalgia. I don’t say anything, I just allow him to come back naturally. Eventually, he does and he continues.

“She always seemed pretty… progressive. So I felt like I could talk to her. And I don’t remember how it came up, but for some reason, I decided that over the phone and with no warning was the right time to come out to her.”

I can already tell this story is going bad. Fast. 

“She didn’t get too upset or anything. She was more confused. I thought we’d leave it at that.” He pauses here, scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably. “But she didn’t. The second we hung up, she called our mom. Then she called me, yada yada yada… Again, she wasn't mad. But she definitely wasn’t accepting either. It was so weird. She started going on and on, practically interrogating me. Basically implied that I’m fucking any male specimen that I come across at school. Which is frankly the exact opposite of what’s going on.” He looks back at me during this last sentence. I ignore it. For now.

“Colin… I’m so sorry.” I’m bad with things like this despite all my experience. “I’m gonna say it, I think your sister is the exact opposite of cool. She sounds like a bloody Tory if you ask me.” I feel myself getting a bit mad. Colin deserves all the fucking love and respect in the world.

“A little bit, yeah.” He agrees with me. He doesn’t explain any further, and we mutually agree to move on. I try something different.

“I went to a pub last night.” I say out of nowhere. This really piques Colin’s interest.

“Believe it or not, I’m having a hard time picturing you at a pub.” He chuckles.

“You know what? Me too. Even while I was there I just kept thinking ‘what the fuck am I doing?’” I reminisce on the mess that was the night before.

“I learned something though.” I start.

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“I cannot hold my fucking alcohol. It came right back up a few hours later. Only after I drunk called my dad, of course.” I realize how ridiculous this sounds. Colin is definitely amused.

“This girl and I got absolutely shit faced. And then she kissed me. And then I told her I’m gay and she practically ran from me.” Colin absolutely loses his mind laughing at this one.

He finally is able to get words out. “Don’t tell me…” He’s in tears at this point.

“Yep. That was my first kiss.” He’s hysterical all over again, leaning back in his chair with his hand over his mouth in an attempt to muffle the sound of his laughter. I sit there with a tight-lipped smile, trying to hold in my laughter as well.

“And how was it?” Colin finally says when he’s controlled himself.

“Well… to put it lightly… If I wasn’t sure if I was gay before, I am now.” We both laugh at this. In the back of my mind, I feel proud of myself. I just made a joke about my sexuality. No fear, no awkwardness. I’m genuinely okay with what I just said.

When we stop laughing, we talk about absolutely nothing for a few minutes. Colin sits upright in his chair and picks up his tarot cards with a smile. 

“Wanna hear my reading for today?”

And we’re officially alright again.


	15. We Can Break Down Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This chapter is very Colin heavy, I felt like my baby angel deserved it. Not much to say here, so I hope you enjoy! Make sure to subscribe, leave comments, and kudos! <3
> 
> ~
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Julia and her future fic! Make sure to give it a read when she starts publishing it. :)

Technically, things are resolved between Colin and I. I’m definitely not mad at him, and he doesn’t seem mad at me. But things are just off somehow. 

He’s still his sweet self, and we still talk just about every day, but he seems so excitable lately. Like just about anything can thrill him, or he’ll be excessively irritable. It depends on the day, I suppose. He also keeps abruptly excusing himself from our Skype calls or ending them entirely. He’s never anything less than lovely to me, but he just seems different recently.

One night when we’re on Skype revising for our upcoming final exams, I steal a look at him while he’s reading another tab on his computer. He’s biting his nails, and he has such prominent under-eye bags, something he’s never had before, even on our late night calls. He almost looks ill. 

“Colin?” I say quietly. My curiosity has turned to concern. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?” He smiles and looks down at his textbook, but it seems so forced. I push on.

“Col… you know you can tell me anything.” He doesn’t respond, he just runs a hand through his hair. He looks so tense, like one wrong move will ruin him. I keep going. “Really, I’m here no matter what.”

His angst seems to explode out of him at this moment and he slams his book shut. “Everything’s just been shit lately.” He trails off. “Everything but you.” He twirls the pencil in his hand quite aggressively, like he needs something to focus on or else he’ll really lose it.

“I’ve just always been bad at expressing my feelings, I either say too much or nothing at all. And then I’m mad at myself, and then I’m mad at the whole world. It’s a cycle and no matter what I do I can’t fucking break it.” He snaps the pencil in half.

I can barely bring my voice above a whisper. “If it helps, I think you’re great with your emotions. You always seem so level headed and… composed?” I don’t really know what to say, so I just sit and listen.

“I’m not, I’m really not. It makes me fucking hate myself. I just have so much anger swirling around my brain, all the time. Maybe I could handle existing in this-this emotional agony by myself, but now it involves my classes. Now it involves my family. Now it involves my friends. Now it involves you.” His voice wavers. “The person I love the most.”

He grouped me separately from his friends. ‘The person he loves the most.’ I really am in love with him. I could think about that now, but it’s not about me right now. Love is putting someone’s needs before your own.

“You know I’m always here, but have you talked to someone about this? Like a professional?” 

Colin sighs, sounding sad and utterly exasperated at the same time. “All it took was 19 years and moving to another country to find a therapist. Only for him to retire.” He sighs, defeated.

I can’t help but be taken aback. I’ve never seen Colin like this. He’s always the collected one. He always has his shit together. He’s always the one helping me. Now it’s the other way around, and I pray I’m not coming up short. After all he’s done for me, I want to do everything I can to be there for him too. 

Colin rests his head in his hands, his bottom of his palms pushed into his eye sockets, much hollower than usual. He looks so tired. The kind of tired that you feel deep in your bones, when your mind has had enough and your body is starting to feel it too. I just don’t know how to pull him out of this. I know our ties to each other have never been to play therapist, that’s not what our love is. But part of me wishes I could, just this once.

“I’m so sorry, Colin. I really am sorry. I’m always going to be here, you must know that by now.” I let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding. “I’m bad at this. But I really am sorry.” I just keep saying how sorry I am until the tears threaten to fall. I can’t stand to see him this way.

“I’m sorry too.” He reaches to the other end of his desk. When his hand comes back into view, he’s holding a lighter and a box of cigarettes. 

“Colin…” My heart drops. “I thought you were quitting?” 

“I thought so too.” He’s so angry with himself, but he flicks the lighter and lights his cigarette anyway. He takes a long drag with clearly trained lungs, blowing the smoke towards the ground. He refuses to look at me.

He rests the cigarette between his index and ring finger as he speaks, his head bowed as he stares at his desk in front of him. 

“I’m sorry. I am. Everything is just so, so bad lately. After what happened with my sister, I just needed something. Anything.” He tries to explain, but it sounds like he doesn’t believe or forgive himself.

“It’s okay. It happens. Life happens. Sometimes you do bad shit to make the awful shit more manageable.” He smiles a bit at that, like he’s relieved I’m not mad at him somehow.

Colin rubs his eyes and lets out one more puff of smoke before forcing himself to extinguish the cigarette. “Thank you for… being patient with me.” He searches for the right words. “I’m sorry for all this.”

I nearly get whiplash here. It’s so odd to see the roles reversed, and it’s even odder to see Colin in such a state of self-loathing. He always seems so assured, but never in an egotistical way. Like he knows what he’s doing in life. At the very least, it’s comforting to know that even he gets overwhelmed sometimes.

“Now you’re the one apologizing a lot.” I remark. We share a short, somber laugh. “You don’t need to apologize for being you, Colin. For not keeping your emotions to yourself. And you certainly don’t need to apologize for not knowing how to say what you’re feeling.” I feel myself getting a bit emotional too, my voice shaking towards the end of my sentence. I wish I could magically make everything okay for him. He deserves the entire world. I can’t believe I love him this much.

“I just-” Colin starts, his eyes closing. Like he’s carefully choosing his next words. When he finally speaks again, he talks slowly. “I would give… anything… for you to be here right now.”

“I know. Soon.” Even after I say it out loud, it doesn’t feel real. Our entire relationship has existed online with a screen separating us. It’s going to be so bizarre to see him in person, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I used to be scared of how it would change our relationship, but now I know it’ll change us for the better.

“Not soon enough.” He says sadly. 

Out of nowhere, he grabs the box of cigarettes, pulls all of them out of the package, and crumples them in his hand. 

“I’m really gonna try this time. No. Not try. I’m gonna do it. For you.” He smiles, seemingly looking to me for approval. He nods to himself as he throws the cigarettes in the bin under his desk. He seems proud, and he’s genuinely smiling again. There’s my Colin.

“I’m going to sleep.” He stretches his arms above his head. He looks happy, but tired. “Wanna come?” The way he asks the question makes me laugh, but it’s comforting. It reminds me of when we first started this routine of sleeping on the phone together. I always used to panic about it. Now it feels like second nature, some nights even like a necessity. 

“Yes, please.”

And so we lay there, drifting to sleep; him lightly snoring on the other line, me staring at the ceiling listening to him and the rain outside. This feels more like home than Richmond ever did.


	16. Ready To Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! So sorry for the delay! I've been so crazy busy lately with school and things like that. But I finally found time to write tonight! Thank you all for being so patient with me. The next chapter is definitely going to be a big one, so make sure to subscribe so you don't miss it! Thank you again, and make sure to leave a comment and kudos! <3

I’ve spent the majority of the day today in town, picking up some last minute things for the trip home. Some warm socks, a new raincoat in case the snow turns to rain, new earbuds as mine have started to break. On the way home I stop at SPAR and buy a Bible. It’s small and not great quality, but I didn’t expect much else from a convenience store. Hopefully it looks used. 

For the first time in a long time, I actually go out to dinner. For as long as I can remember, going to eat alone has always been somewhat therapeutic to me. It feels like a good place to think without going home and sitting in silence. But today it may be my downfall. The restaurant is empty and I’m alone with my thoughts.

All I’ve been thinking about for weeks, no, months, is seeing Colin face to face. Even if nothing romantic develops like I’ve been dreaming of, I just can’t wait to hug him. To smell his cologne in person. Just to be in his presence and see him without a screen in between us. But as the day gets closer and closer, I also think of my dad. I feel as though I’ve left a cult, like I’ve broken free after years of being brainwashed by religion under the guise of love. I’m more afraid of reverting back to that state than anything else. I’ve worked on myself and done things I genuinely enjoy and I finally feel happy, and I’m so scared he’s going to take that away from me somehow. 

But now I have Colin. He makes me feel like I don’t have to be afraid anymore. When I was living at home, my dad was practically the only person I knew. I didn’t really have friends. And now I know I have someone in my corner, and that if something happens, Colin has my back. Like if I fall, he’ll be there to help me back up.

I decide I’m more excited to see Colin than afraid to see my dad. I won’t let him ruin this for me.

Now, however, I have another problem. I can hardly contain myself on the phone with Colin. How the hell am I going to even attempt to be cool in person? I just can’t ever get enough of him. I’m worried I’m going to be weird or clingy or off-putting and drive him away. But he’s also my best friend. Even just in that context, I’ve never had the desire or felt the need to censor myself around him. Why should I start now? We became close while I was genuinely being myself. I should keep doing that, I think.

I feel as though I’ve opened Pandora’s Box with this train of thought. What if Colin does feel the same way? What do I do then? Do I make a move? Do I wait for him to say or do something? What if I’m interpreting the signs wrong? I think that I should talk to someone about this, but my immediate impulse is to call Colin. I’m really in deep here. I can’t do much about this except let it play out now. 

I pay the tab and leave the restaurant, walking home through the bitter cold.

I finally get home and it’s past 1 AM. My flight is at 5 AM, and I still have to finish packing. Fuck. I play some records and start absentmindedly packing the last of my clothes and toiletries. The time flies as I dance around and occasionally switch records, keeping the energy up. I’m sure the people living underneath me are about to go ballistic, but tonight I’m prioritizing fun. I need to go into this holiday with a good head space, even if I anticipate it being ruined. 

When the B side of The 1975’s self-titled album comes to an end, I take the record off my player and retire it to its sleeve. My packing is finally all done so I allow myself to flop down onto my bed in exhaustion. It’s already past 3 AM, so there’s no use in trying to sleep. I wander around my room for a bit, probably looking absolutely mental. I’m definitely delirious from exhaustion, and I keep alternating between joy and dread. My emotions are completely out of line tonight. Despite all the points I made in my head earlier, I call Colin for support.

It’s a bit foolish of me to expect him to answer at this hour, but I try anyway. I’m not surprised when he doesn’t pick up, but I do feel a bit sad.

“Ello. You’ve reached Colin. Leave a message and maybe I’ll get back to you. Cheers.” The answering machine beeps, but I haven’t thought of what to say. I cough uncomfortably and start rambling.

“Hey. Um, I don’t really know why I’m calling. I guess I’m just used to talking to you when I’m nervous? Not that I’m nervous or anything. Well, I mean, a little. Not about you though. Mostly. I haven’t really thought about seeing my dad again until now. I feel so good at uni. Even if I’m alone or I go out drunk and throw it all back up or whatever, I feel at peace. And like I… like myself? Which I don’t feel often. And I stopped my medicine. He’ll be proper pissed about that. I think I’m just worried that I worked really hard for my happiness, even if you helped me, and I feel like he’s somehow gonna strip that from me in just two weeks with him. But you’ll be there, right? Please tell me you’ll fight for my happiness too. I don’t know if I can do it alone. Oh, this is so stupid. I’ll call you later. Actually, pretend this voicemail never happened. Okay. Uh, see you soon? Wow. I can’t believe I just said that. Okay, bye now.”

I hang up and feel myself start to blush. I’m way too tired to think of the consequences of this right now. I told him to forget about it, hopefully he listens. Or maybe I want him to know. 

Yeah. I want him to know everything about me. I’d do anything for him to be involved in every single part of my life.

I go through the motions in a sleep-deprived haze. I find myself in a cab, then airport security, and finally the line at Starbucks in the airport terminal. I remember Colin saying something about black coffee with vanilla, so I order just that. Maybe I only hate coffee when I’m drunk, or maybe I only like it when I’m tired, but the drink is pretty good. I put my earbuds in my ears and settle into the seats near my gate.

I board and the plane is jam-packed with people of all ages heading home for the holidays. I look at them as I pass, and they look happy. I wonder what their stories are.

I find my seat and decide to send Colin a text. I continue acting like my voicemail never happened.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
On the plane now, about to take off. I really can’t wait to see you. Let me know when you’re home too.

_______________________________________

The plane starts to taxi, and I have to turn my phone to airplane mode. I can finally relax a bit. I listen to the Wasteland, Baby! album as we take off.

I truly feel like I’m going home. Not to a place, but to a person.


	17. Your Love is Sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Whew, it's been a while hasn't it? I missed you all and this story so dearly. Some exciting developments this chapter, and I made it a bit longer than usual to make up for the hiatus! Thank you all for sticking with me. PS, while I was gone I got some questions about the story on my CuriousCat, so I will link that here and on my profile in case you want to ask me anything or chat! Okay, that's all. Love you all so much! <3
> 
> CuriousCat.Me/StefanButler

As the pilot keeps updating us on our time of arrival, I feel my palms getting sweatier and sweatier. Usually, I’d have my phone to distract me, but all I have is my music right now. Mindless scrolling typically helps when I’m anxious, but I don’t have that luxury right now.

Why am I so nervous? Why am I more nervous to see Colin than to see my dad? Granted, they’re two different types of nervous. The way I feel about seeing Colin is the kind of anxiety you feel with butterflies in your stomach and slightly shaky hands. The way I feel about seeing my dad is closer to real fear. I’m scared. I know there’s no point in weighing the pros and cons right now, seeing as it’s a bit too late, but I can’t stop.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by the feeling of the plane’s wheels hitting the tarmac. And suddenly I’m back home. I’ve always had a bit of trouble rationalizing travel by plane. It was hard for my brain to understand the concept of sitting in one place for a few hours and suddenly being in a new place. But now, when I look out the window, I know I’m back. I’m hesitant to call this home, because I’ve never felt an attachment to this place, but by definition, I guess I’m home.

I’m at the back of the plane, so I let myself sit for a few minutes and gather myself mentally. I’m about to see my best friend and hopefully future boyfriend. That thought terrifies me, but it excites me in ways I haven’t felt in so long. I grab my backpack and start making my way off the plane.

As I slowly start walking down the aisle, I turn my phone off of airplane mode and see a text from Colin. 

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
I’m home. Let me know when you land, we’ll plan something.

_______________________________________

He really wants to see me, huh? Even now it’s hard to believe that I’m important to somebody. But for once I’m trying to understand. For once I don’t completely discard any nice thoughts someone has for me. I’ve been so conditioned to throw away any compliments or kindness and hold onto the pain, but slowly I’m breaking that habit.

Soon enough, I find myself at baggage claim waiting for my suitcase. As this process comes to an end, my hands start to shake slightly. There’s only so many ways to express how nerves overcome me at moments like these. Somehow time is going too fast and too slow.

I sit on a bench near the door, trying to escape the cold outside. My immediate thought was to meet up with Colin upon landing, but then I think of my dad. He’ll definitely want to see me. I’ve always been pretty bad at lying to him. But maybe I can try? I’d much rather see Colin first. I never told my dad what time I was landing, and one white lie won’t hurt anybody, right? 

I need to keep prioritizing my happiness. It’s a good look for me. I decide to text Colin now.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
Hey, I just landed at LCY.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
Do you want me to pick you up at home?

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
Can you come get me now?

From: stef ♥  
Like, at the airport?

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
Sure. See you soon.

_______________________________________

Inhale, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Exhale 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. I close my eyes and just focus on breathing. I need to calm down somehow. I pick at the skin around my thumbnails and shake my right leg, trying to get the anxiety to flow out of me from some outlet. I don’t know how long I spend doing this, but I tire out from the sheer effort of using brain power to do three things at once. I’ve never been a multitasker. I start lugging my suitcase with me to the bathroom to check my hair and splash my face with water. The sting of the cold water hitting my warm skin helps bring me back to reality just a bit. I check my hair, and it’s curlier than usual today. Nothing to be done about that now, I suppose.

I make my way back to my bench as I get another text from Colin.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
I’m here, which gate?

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
Gate 3.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
I’ll park and come in.

_______________________________________

I’m a ball of nerves. Are we really going to have that cheesy rom-com moment of us running up to each other in the airport? I want to run to him, but maybe that’s weird. I just want to run and throw my arms around him and never let go, but my anxiety probably won’t allow me to make a scene like that. I’ll allow myself a hug, that’s as far as I’ll go in public.

About ten minutes pass, and I start looking around the terminal somewhat frantically. I stand up and keep turning around, looking for just a glimpse of him. His glasses, his bleached hair, something, anything. 

I’m facing the baggage claim again, finally calming down a bit, when I hear a familiar voice behind me.

“Stefan?”

I turn so fast I think I give myself whiplash. It’s not as dramatic or slow as I thought it’d be, he’s just here. I look up at him slightly, and he’s even taller than I remember. I immediately recognize the scent of his cologne. I can’t hold back any longer. I just fall into his arms and stay there. He wraps his arms around me, resting his chin on the top of my head. We’re the perfect heights for it, like we were made for each other. I do everything I can to hold back tears. We just stand in the middle of the terminal, not caring how we must look. I can’t tell how long we stand there, it feels like forever yet not long enough. Colin doesn’t pull away or try to say anything, he just holds me. The world finally feels sane again.

After a few more minutes, or maybe hours, I feel stable enough to pull away. Colin lets me and just looks into my eyes. He smiles, and it feels so warm. I try to compose myself with tears in my eyes.

“Hey,” I smile.

“Hi,” He says back. “Shall we?” He gestures to the door, and we make our way outside.

We start the walk through the cold air to Colin’s car, which thankfully isn’t too far away. I must look psychotic, the way I’m just staring at him. I can’t seem to take my eyes off of him, but he doesn’t pay it any mind. We walk in silence, but it doesn’t feel awkward. We reach the car and Colin holds open the passenger side door for me. Always the gentleman. I smile and get in.

Colin gets in the driver’s seat and turns on the engine, filling the car with much-needed heat. As we start driving, he finally speaks like I’ve been desperately waiting for him to. 

“So, how was the flight?” He keeps his eyes on the road. How is he so composed right now? 

“It was fine, just anxious to land the whole time,” I say. I giggle a little bit. As we talk, the nerves slowly but surely start to fade.

“Anxious, huh?” Colin asks. He’s always been so cocky. 

“How could I not be?” We both smirk a bit. We both know what we’re thinking, but no one is saying it just yet. 

It’s chilly but sunny, and Colin rolls down the car windows. He puts on “A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships” and turns up the volume. He mouths along to the song, bobbing his head. I’m mesmerized. He’s traded in his glasses for sunglasses, and he looks fucking good. 

When I finally tear my eyes away and stare out the window, I come to my senses a bit. I have no clue where we’re going. As much as I love and trust Colin, he could literally be taking me somewhere to murder me right now. 

“Colin? Where are we going?” I finally ask.

“Just this little coffee shop up the road. I’ve been told those are good for first dates.” He says, never taking his eyes off the road. He smirks, but something is different this time. I know he means it. In my heart, I know we feel the same way about each other. I’ve never felt more sure of anything. Yet I know I won’t push myself to make the first move right now. We’re in this for the long haul.

We soon find ourselves at the coffee shop, Antipode. I take a seat on a sofa in the corner of the relatively small shop as Colin gets in line. I don’t tell him what I want, I trust him to order for me. A few minutes later, he comes back with some avocado toasties and two Japanese filter coffees. It’s a bit of a process to make, but it tastes alright. Like regular coffee, but I won’t tell him that.

When we’re finished eating, Colin moves to sit beside me on the sofa as opposed to across from me. Being full and tired from getting absolutely 0 hours of sleep last night, Colin and I sit in comfortable silence, him looking over my shoulder as I scroll through my phone. We occasionally laugh at a post together, or the tiniest, sweetest “aww” comes from him when there’s a cute animal on my timeline. After some time, I find myself leaning against him with my head on his shoulder. I’m so warm and comfortable, the drowsiness takes over. I hardly remember letting my hand go limp and almost dropping my phone, with Colin catching it, as my eyes closed.

Some undetermined amount of time later, I wake up to Colin lightly shaking my shoulder. 

“Hey… wake up…” He whispers gently. I rub my eyes and emerge out of the ball I’ve curled myself into. 

“Hmm?” Is all I can really manage.

“They’re trying to close up, we’ve got to go.” He says quietly. He’s always been so gentle with me. I slowly start to pull myself up as Colin reassures the impatient shop owners that we’re leaving. As we exit, he puts an arm around me to steady me. In my half asleep state, it takes everything in me not to reach up and lock hands with him. 

As we step out, the cold air instantly wakes me up. I realize how embarrassing this is fairly quickly. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, this is so humiliating-” He cuts me off, putting a finger to my lips. I am fully taken aback.

“It’s okay. You’re cute when you sleep. Even more in person.” He takes his hand away and turns to walk down the street, motioning me to follow him. I catch up to him and walk beside him, the setting sun highlighting his face. He looks like some ancient artwork, far too regal for us mere humans to touch. Yet here he is beside me.

We just wander around the streets of Hammersmith, talking about absolutely nothing and laughing.

“So you’re telling me you HAVEN’T seen Captain Marvel?!” I practically yell.

“No, I’m sorry! I haven’t had the time!” Colin laughs, not used to this outburst from me.

“It’s Marvel’s first female-led film and you haven’t seen it? The sexism…” He knows I’m kidding, and he lets out a shocked laugh.

“Listen! I haven’t seen it, but I do plan to! I’ve heard there’s lesbians?” He genuinely asks.

“Oh, there are. I mean, not really, but, like, they’re best friends and they raised a child together. They’re clearly lesbians.” I explain.

“Oh, so girlfriends who are explained away as gal pals, yeah?” 

“Exactly! It’s so infuriating.” I sigh. I cup my hands and prepare to yell to the empty street. 

“THEY’RE LESBIANS, YOU INCELS!”

Colin laughs especially hard at this one, and I start to get a stomach ache from giggling. We stop on the sidewalk to regain composure. After several deep breaths, we start walking again.

We chat about how our exams went and what books we’re both into at the moment. I’m quite invested in Jane Austen, while Colin is interested in Aldous Huxley. 

We walk as close as we physically can without bumping into each other. Every once in a while, Colin and I brush hands. He doesn’t react, visibly anyway, but my heart always skips a beat. I’ve got it bad for him.

As the sun officially sets and the temperature starts dropping, I begin to shiver a little bit. Colin clearly notices.

“Cold?” He asks. I nod but try to signal that it’s alright. This doesn’t satisfy him, as he starts taking off his coat to give to me.

“Thanks.” I can’t stop blushing and smiling. It’s slightly too long for me as Colin is several inches taller, but it’s warm and it smells like him. That damn cologne. I’ll never get enough of it.

We walk a little longer until it suddenly hits me to check the time. It’s already past 9 PM, and I start to panic a bit. 

“Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit…” I fumble with my phone, attempting to text my dad.

“What happened?” Colin asks, always genuinely concerned.

“I forgot to tell my dad I landed, I didn’t tell him anything. Fuck, I-” He stops me.

“Hey, it’s okay. Just tell him you wanted to surprise him or something.” I stop for a moment. That’s actually not a bad idea. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll take you home.” We start walking back the way we came, my nerves resurfacing every now and again.

The car ride to my house is mostly silent except for me occasionally telling Colin where to turn. I’m busy contemplating the next few days, and especially the next few hours. What if I walk in and he’s in one of his angry fits? What if he completely ignores me? But worst of all, what if he acts like everything is perfectly fine? Soon, I’m forced to stop thinking about it as the car stops in front of my house.

Colin parks the car. “You gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, it’ll be okay.”

He frowns. “That’s not what I asked.”

“I know. I’ll figure it out.” I pause. “I’ll manage.” I sigh. 

Even in the dim light on my street, I can see Colin’s face twisted up, uneasy. “Please call me if something happens. It feels wrong leaving you here.”

“He’s a nice guy usually, I swear. But I’ll call you if I really need you.”

“Promise?” He asks, holding out his pinky. God, he’s so fucking cute.

“Promise.” I wrap my pinky around his, and we shake on it. We stare at each other for a few moments, neither of us wanting to let the other go. I want nothing more than to lean in and kiss him, but I decide against it. I need to have a clear head for whatever is to come.

“Goodnight.” I wave as I finally get out of the car. Colin watches me go up the steps to my childhood home, knowing full well how much I’m dreading what’s inside.

Let’s see how this goes.


	18. Getaway Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm so sorry for the unannounced hiatus! I thought I'd be able to steadily update, but exam season threw me for a loop. I'm back now though! Thank you so much for your patience and kind comments while I was gone. 
> 
> This is a really big chapter, so I hope you guys enjoy! I usually don't do this, but in this chapter, it's a bit excessive, so I'm trigger warning it for strong homophobic language. Stay safe and don't read this if you feel like you can't! 
> 
> Thanks a ton. I love you all so so much! <3 <3 <3
> 
> PS: Special thanks to AO3 user luvgoods for gifting me her lovely Colin/Stefan one shot! Read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18884254

I take a deep breath and get out of the car. With shaky legs, I start the walk up the driveway to my front door. Everything is going to happen the way it’s meant to. Hopefully.

I don’t have my house key, but Dad usually keeps the door unlocked. I try the doorknob successfully and let myself inside. As I enter, all my memories come flooding back to me. The smell of the house and the creak of the floorboards remind me of my childhood, of when I was weaker. But now I have someone to make me strong.

The lights are off in the foyer, but there’s a light coming from the sitting room. I meekly enter the room, careful not to scare him. And then he’s in front of me.

Dad is sitting in his big armchair, stirring a cup of tea. He’s trying to look menacing. He’s trying to scare me into submission. I think it’s a testament to my progress, being able to identify his fucked up antics. But knowing what he’s doing doesn’t mean it’s not working. He finally breaks the silence.

“Bit late, innit?”

I sigh in relief. I was half expecting him to immediately start screaming.

“Yeah. I lost track of time, I’m sorry.”

For my own safety, I decide I’ll play his game. I cross the room to greet him.

“I’m happy to see you, Dad.” 

I lie easily. I reach out to hug him. He looks at me for a second and stands up to reciprocate the gesture. I feel like I could be crushed at any minute. Not physically, but mentally. Emotionally. I’m tired of this already. I miss Colin already.

He pulls away and thumbs at the collar of my jacket.

“This a new coat?”

Shit. I never gave Colin his coat back.

“Yeah… got it for the winter.” I improvise.

“Smells a bit strong.” He observes. He pretends to be casual, but we both know better. It smells like Colin’s cologne, it smells like him. It’s the only thing keeping me from losing it right now.

“Maybe it’s that new smell? Or the smell of the store?” I try. I know I’m failing.

“I didn’t think stores scented their clothing with men’s cologne.” 

My heart drops. His observations are becoming more accusatory, it feels like the walls are closing in. I need to think of something fast.

“Oh! I forgot. I got a new cologne and I’m wearing it for the first time today.”

I know he doesn’t believe me. I’m digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. No, this trap. He did this on purpose. He always has. 

He turns to face me. If looks could kill…

“You’ve always hated strong cologne…” 

He’s backed me into a corner. All I can do is stay silent and hope this deescalates on its own. 

“Why are you lying to me, Stefan?”

More silence. He begins to pace, holding his clenched fists at his side.

“I did everything I possibly could. I told you, Godly choices. I’ve laid your entire life out for you. But you just had to betray me.”

He’s shaking a finger at me. His voice trembles with anger. I can tell he’s just getting started.

“Dad, I would never-”

“I didn’t raise a fucking queer.”

I close my mouth.

“Yet here you are, forsaking everything I’ve taught you.” He finishes.

He’s never yelled like this. He’s shaking from anger. All I can do is stand here and take it. I want to run but I can’t, I’m frozen in place.

“You came to me when you first started feeling like this. I told you exactly what to do. You’ve never known how to listen, have you?”

I’m in a state of shock. I knew tonight would be bad, but I could’ve never anticipated anything like this.

“Dad, I really-”

“No. You’re always talking back, just fucking listen for once.”

I stop talking.

He stops for a moment, rubbing the scruff of his face. It looks like he’s trying to think of what to say next, but I know he’s going to let it all spill out in a massive yelling fit. 

“I do everything for you. Who filled your prescriptions when you were too fucking weak to leave the house? Me. Who took you out of that all boys school to try to stop you from becoming a fucking homo? Me. When you had your little meltdown in high school, who kept you from being removed from the church? Me. And this is the thanks I get. You call me in the middle of the night. Drunk. You run off to college in another fucking country and immediately forget everything I told you. And you act so fucking coy about it. You should be ashamed of yourself. I feel sick just looking at you.” He takes a breath and sits on the armrest of his chair.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you.” He keeps whispering under his breath.

I just might snap this time. I’ve dealt with this my entire life. I don’t deserve this. I take a deep breath and my feet finally start moving. I walk towards the front door to grab my bags and leave the house. I don’t know where I’ll go once I’m out, but anywhere is better than here. But before I make it out, Dad notices and stands up.

“Oh no no no, get back here right now.”

I’m reaching for the door when he smacks my arm down. I can tell a bruise will form. I let go of my bag and cradle my arm for a moment as it stings. I must look like a wounded animal, cowering below him. I feel tears start to form in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

I finally recover, letting go of my arm and trying to compose myself to leave. I look up and I see Dad scouring the room for something. He wants to keep me here under his control and he doesn’t much care how. I know exactly what he’s looking for: a weapon. 

Not tonight.

While he’s distracted I reach for the door a second time. I get it open this time, but he hears me and slams it shut. He gives up searching for a weapon and opts for a classic, unbuckling his belt. I know the sound all too well. I start forming a mental index of all the places on my body that I’ve had welts because of it. 

Not tonight.

I don’t know what comes over me or where the knowledge or form comes from, but I wind my arm back. I land a punch directly into his nose, probably breaking it.

As he staggers back, I look at his blood on my hand, visibly trembling. I can’t afford to think about the implications of this right now.

I open the door successfully this time, grabbing my bags and running as fast as I can.

“Get back here you-” The door slams shut behind me.

The tears that have been welling in my eyes start to fall. I’m not sure if they’re out of fear, anger, sadness, or something else entirely, but the feeling is so intense.

As my eyes adjust to the dark, I see a running car. 

It’s Colin. He never left.

I run to him, throwing my bags into his backseat and getting into the front seat. I lock the doors. 

He looks at me with such concern in his eyes. He’s truly the only person that has ever cared about me. He immediately realizes how distraught I am and starts rambling like he does.

“I knew something was going to go wrong. Are you okay? Are you hurt? I shouldn’t have let you go-”

All at once, it hits me. Life is way too fucking short for this game of cat and mouse that I’ve forced Colin to play with me.

I grab his face in my hands and I kiss him. I kiss him like the world is ending around us, like this is the last night of my life. I just kiss him and kiss him. And he kisses back, lightly holding my wrists with both hands.

I finally pull away, breathless, remembering the time-sensitive matter at hand. Colin tries to open his mouth, but I stop him.

“Fucking drive.”


	19. Baby, I'm Rescued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh goodness hello! It's been far too long since I updated this story, but I'm happy to finally be back. I wanted to thank you all so much for the lovely comments on my last post asking if I should continue this story, as the answer was a resounding yes! It makes me so happy you all love this as much as I do. I love you all so much. Updates will definitely be more regular from now on, but for now, enjoy this chapter! It's a slight filler, but I think it's sweet. Okay, enough rambling. Thanks a ton. I love you all! <3 <3 <3

As we drive in silence, I start letting my thoughts wander, slowly but surely. I try to redirect myself, but every time, the fear comes back. What’s going to happen to me? To Colin? To my dad? To Colin’s family? Are any of us safe? I don’t know what my dad is going to do. I get it fixed in my mind that he’s following us now somehow. No amount of logic and reasoning will help me now, I’m sure he’s followed Colin and me or is going to find us.

I should probably say something to Colin about what’s happened or what I’m thinking about, but he’s already rescued me once tonight. For now, I’m content to just drive down the residential roads with him in silence.

After a few red lights, Colin turns on his indicator to merge onto the freeway, but I stop him. 

“He’d follow me here,” I say, offering no elaboration or reasoning. I feel ridiculous.

But Colin doesn’t question me despite having no proof or further explanation, he understands and stays on the back roads. It’s nice to have someone just trust you, not worrying about any ulterior motives or malice. 

There’s something about this moment. Something about being in the car with the boy I love, literally speeding away from my life’s antagonist. It feels like the tangible end of an era. There’s a solemn kind of peace about it. I know I may never be hit or beaten or berated again, but there’s also a significant chance I’ll never see the man who raised me again. I want to cry, but I’m not sure what emotion is making the tears well up. I just let them fall silently.

Colin looks over at me, one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the gear stick. 

“You okay?” is all he says. Normally such a question would annoy me. This one seems to answer itself. But he speaks so softly and there’s such a kindness in his eyes. The kindness I fell for through a screen. I turn to face him, and he knows the answer already. He doesn’t push me anymore, he just turns his attention back to the road. 

I think about what just happened, the revelation I had as I got in his car. The one thing that’s ever made sense to me was Colin being by my side. The tears keep falling, but I gather some composure and take a few deep breaths.

I slowly raise my hand from its place in my lap. It’s visibly shaking, but I persist. Without words or even a glance in his direction, I just put my hand on top of Colin’s on the gear stick and hold it. He doesn’t say or do anything either, he just smiles ever so slightly. The warmth of his hand under mine is enough to steady my breathing just for a moment.

I turn to look out the window, watching the trees and the buildings go by. In some twist of fate, we drive past Royal Mail Richmond, where all of this started. There are butterflies in my stomach upon seeing it, definitely influenced by my nerves but also by the memory of how I got to be with the boy next to me.

“Did you see that?” I say, quickly pointing out the window with my free hand. I feel like a child pointing at the different fish in an aquarium, desperately seeking validation. But Colin doesn’t belittle me like most people do.

“Maybe the post is good for something.” He hums, giving me another smile. The world stops for a moment when he does. It feels like nothing can stop us now, like not even my dad could separate us or take this moment away.

Soon enough though, Colin pulls up to his house. I tense up ever so slightly, nervous now that we’ve reached our destination. From what I’ve heard of his mom and sister, I’m not sure how this is going to play out.

Colin puts the car in park but doesn’t turn it off. Our hands stay in the same position, and I hope it’s deliberate. He turns on the interior lights and looks at me for a moment.

“Do you wanna talk about what the hell happened back there?” He asks. I know that he’d respect me if I said no and never brought it up again, but something in me tells me I should. I take a breath and close my eyes, mentally preparing to relive what just happened.

“So I walked in the house and it was immediately… off. I mean I was already nervous, but like, all the lights were off and he was just slouched in the sitting room, waiting for me.”

Colin turns his head slightly in confusion, a look that says “what is wrong with this man?” I concur.

I continue. “The second I get inside he starts interrogating me, asking me about this coat and the cologne and throwing out accusations…” My voice trails off. It’s Colin’s coat and Colin’s cologne. I don’t want him to feel guilty.

He moves his hand from the gear stick underneath mine and puts his elbows on the steering wheel, holding his head in his hands. 

“I’m so sorry, Stef. It’s all my fault, if I had just been more careful, more attentive-” He starts.

“No, no-” But I can see he feels terrible. 

He pushes the lighter socket in the car and starts filing through the center console for a cigarette. I reach out my hand to stop him. It was pointless anyway, as I can see he’s thrown all of his cigarettes away. Now it’s me holding his wrists, looking directly into his eyes. There’s nothing to say, as he couldn’t smoke even if he wanted to, but there’s this desperation in his face, like he’s begging me to forgive him for something he isn’t guilty of.

“Colin, something bad would’ve happened no matter what. Even if it wasn’t your coat or your cologne, it would’ve been something else. Something as stupid as my haircut or the shoes I’m wearing. It’s okay.” I stress the last sentence. I want him to know I truly mean it.

Colin takes a deep breath. To calm himself down, he grabs my right hand with his left and interlocks our fingers. He doesn’t acknowledge that he’s done it, but I know it means a world of comfort for both of us. After a moment to recompose ourselves, I continue the story of tonight.

“He starts calling me every name in the book, throwing in my face all the things he’s done for me. That’s a fucking laugh. He’s never helped me once! Talking about when he got me my anxiety medication as if that’s not a basic thing a parent should do. Talking about when he kept me in the church when I was almost kicked out. I bloody wish they’d kicked me out, I do.” In my anger I’ve unlocked my fingers from Colin’s, talking maybe a bit too fiercely with my hands.

“So I try to leave and he hits me, right here.” I gesture to my arm and roll up the sleeve. It’s a vibrant shade of red, and a bruise will definitely be there by tomorrow morning. I start to cry again just looking at it. How did I survive this my whole life? How did I survive tonight?

“He got out his belt to hit me again, and I just bolted. Then you know the rest.” I keep it short as my tears prevent me from saying much more. 

“Stefan, I’m so, so sorry. I promise as long as I’m around, he’ll never hurt you again.” And I know he means it. I just look into his eyes where tears are forming too. He holds my wounded arm and looks at the mark.

“Does it hurt to touch?” He asks.

“Not too badly yet,” I say passively. Tomorrow is a different story, though.

He gently raises my arm and lowers his head, planting a soft, gentle kiss on the injury. I get goosebumps just from this small act of affection, and I break into a light smile. I love this boy so much.

The words just start to pour. “Colin, I like you. So fucking much. No, I love you. You’re the only person who actually cares about me, who asks me how I’m doing. Who doesn’t guilt-trip me for existing. You make me happy to be alive, okay? It’s all for you, everything I do is for you.”

“You are the love of my life. Never make any mistake about that. I would do anything for you.” He meets my gaze again. He’s stopped crying, but I can still see the tears welling up. 

“You’re safe. You’re okay. Everything will be okay.” He says, simple and plain. But it says all that it needs to.

“Stay with me the rest of the holiday. We have the space. And I hope at some point you’ll come to my room anyway.” He says, lightly laughing. I finally smile. 

“I’d like that a lot.” I laugh. A soft, but genuine laugh. It feels good.

“What will your parents say, though? What will we say?” I will admit I’m slightly worried, especially after what Colin has told me of his family’s thoughts on his sexuality. 

Colin thinks for a second. “They’re understanding enough. I’ll make something up about you being a friend from uni. A family emergency or something. They don’t question too much. We’ll just play it cool, babe.”

Babe. My heart nearly melts right there.

He gets serious again for a moment. “You’re my number one priority. I’ll make sure you’re safe no matter the cost.”

My chest flutters, but I feel a pang of guilt. The guilt that’s been instilled in me since childhood. I can’t help questioning if my mere existence is a burden to others.

 “You don’t want to do that,” I say sadly. “You may want it now, but you don’t want my baggage forever.” 

“If it’s you, I’ll hold it for as long as you let me.” 

This time it’s him who leans forward and kisses me. I don’t even move, I just let myself melt into it. But it’s over way too soon.

“You ready to head inside?” He asks me.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I answer. We grab our bags and he finally turns off the car. 

We’ll be okay this time.


	20. Someone New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday everybody! I hope everyone has had a good weekend so far. I've been on a roll with the updates lately! Anyway, I'm super happy to be back with regular updates. This was a super fun one to write, so I hope you all like it! Make sure to subscribe and leave comments and kudos! I love hearing from you all. <3 <3 <3
> 
> P.S., I tweet about the process of writing HWROD a lot! If you feel like following, I'll put the link below. I'll also link my CuriousCat in case anyone wants to ask questions or anything like that. :D
> 
> twitter.com/chivalryfell  
> curiouscat.me/stefanbutler

Bags in hand, Colin and I start up the walkway to his front door. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t the slightest bit on edge. Not just with the nerves of tonight, but the infinite possibilities of reactions from Colin’s family. But if Colin says it’ll be alright, I believe him. I always will.

Colin reaches into his pocket and fiddles around for his key for a while. When he finally gets it, he sticks the key in the lock and messes with it for a moment too long. 

“Takes a bit of finessing…” He explains, pushing his shoulder against the door as he turns the key. I laugh a bit, but he finally gets it open and the warm air comes rushing at us. Colin holds the door open and gestures for me to walk in first, so I do. He comes in behind me and locks the door behind us.

We hear a voice come from the other room. “Colin? Is that you?” 

“Yeah, it’s me.” He replies. He sighs as he says it, but he starts towards the room where the voice came from.

We enter a hallway and I see light coming from what seems to be the sitting room. I’m about to enter as Colin grabs my arm to stop me. He looks like an angel now, with his back bathed in soft lamplight from the room over. Without a word, he grabs my face with both hands and kisses me. There’s something desperate in it, but the kiss stays light and delicate at the same time. I hold his hands with mine, smiling into the kiss. There’s something dangerous about it, some defiance in it, a feeling that I could live in forever. He pulls away and holds my face for a moment, quietly laughing.

“If only they knew.” He lets go too soon and we walk into the sitting room, a comfortable distance from each other.

Despite the late hour, Colin’s mum and sister are still sat on the couch with mugs in hand. Colin’s mum turns her head to the doorway and her eyes light up.

“Oh, Colin.” His mum gets up from the couch and throws her arms around him, which he awkwardly reciprocates.

“Hey, mum.”

As the scene plays out, I’m stood against the wall staring at the floor. It feels almost voyeuristic to watch. But there’s a fleeting feeling, a pit in my stomach. If I could place a word to it, it would be jealousy. 

I look up finally and make eye contact with Colin’s sister. The Tory. She meets my gaze with furrowed eyebrows but doesn’t say anything quite yet. I’m sure she will soon.

When Colin and his mum finally separate, she turns her attention to me. 

“And who’s this?” She asks, smiling. It’s forced, but I pretend not to notice.

Colin gestures to me casually, a movement that does nothing to suggest that he had kissed me just a minute earlier. “This is my friend Stefan from uni. He lives around here and came home for the holidays but had a family emergency and doesn’t have a place to stay. I invited him over.” 

His mum’s tight smile persists, but she plays nice nonetheless. She reaches out to shake my hand.

“Nice to meet you, Stefan.” She says.

“Nice to meet you too, Ms. Ritman.” I reach out my hand as well. We uncomfortably shake hands and pull away as soon as possible. Her act is getting better as we speak, her smile seeming more realistic. I try not to trust it too quickly.

“Oh, Vanessa is fine.” She laughs. “What a gentleman. You could take a few notes from him.” She says to Colin. I force a laugh as Colin stares at the floor. We both hate pleasantries like this.

Vanessa finally directs her attention to the girl on the couch. “Don’t be rude, introduce yourself.”

The girl clumsily climbs off the couch, making no effort to present herself as the homemaker of the house like Vanessa. She makes her way over to me but doesn’t extend her hand like her mother did, she just blanky stares.

“Hi. I’m Harley.” She offers nothing else.

“I’m Stefan, yeah?” I try to be more casual as we’re closer in age, but to no avail. She stays stoic and skeptical, and her energy is enough to make me fidget a bit.

“You two sit, I’ll get you some tea.” Vanessa gestures to the couch and chairs and hurries into the kitchen. She doesn’t ask how we’d like it, she just gets to work.

Colin sits on the opposite side of the couch from his sister, leaving a space in the middle for their mum. He takes off his shoes and curls his feet underneath himself. I guess gays really can’t sit properly. I find a seat in a love chair on the opposite side of the room from him to avoid suspicion. I stay with both feet firmly planted on the carpet.

Vanessa comes back with two mugs of green tea and hands them to Colin and I, finding her place back on the couch. It’s silent at first.

“Thank you for welcoming me into your home,” I say meekly. 

“Oh, no problem, yeah.” She quietly replies, sipping her tea. I softly stir the honey stick in mine, desperate for someone to cut the tension.

Vanessa starts this time. “So, where you from?” 

“Richmond,” I respond as concisely as possible. She hums to herself, looking down at her mug.

“Any siblings?” She tries again.

“No, no. Only child.” I try to seem more casual, but we’re both a bit nervous around each other. We’re both walking on eggshells but neither of us will admit it.

“Colin said you two go to uni together?” She asks. Oh no. 

There are two cardinal rules to lying; keep it short and don’t make up details. Just nod and agree.

“Yeah, I do.”

“What are you majoring in?” She asks. At least I can be honest about this.

“Computer game design and development.” She nods and hums again, sounding slightly impressed. Harley has been observing this entire interaction, just waiting to jump in. She finally does.

“I went to UHI for a bit. I didn’t know they offered that as a major.” She says it casually, but it’s definitely pointed, definitely meant as an accusation. Time to break rule number one.

“Oh yeah, they must have added it recently.” I try to explain. She’s not buying it.

Harley starts again. “How’s Orkney weather treating you?” 

She’s trying to get me to slip up. Time to break rule number two.

“Oh… the winters get pretty cold but other than that it’s alright. Lot more snow than I’m used to...” I trail off. I’ve never known when to shut up.

Harley finally perks up. Fuck.

“Colin, I thought you said Orkney doesn’t get much snow…”

“Harley, enough!” Vanessa finally steps in. That could’ve been bad. No, catastrophic. The room is silent for a moment. Vanessa clears her throat.

“I’m sure you’ve both had such long days traveling and all, why don’t you head up to bed. Stefan, the second bedroom on the left upstairs is our guest room, make yourself at home.” 

And with that, Colin and I safely get up from the traps that had been set for us and head for the stairs. We’re about to leave the room when Vanessa chimes in.

“Stefan you head up, Colin will be right behind you.” I’m immediately nervous, but Colin nods his head, assuring me that it’s okay. I nod back. I head out and go up the stairs, but I don’t go into the bedroom just yet.

Vanessa leads Colin into the foyer and shuts off the lights. They whisper, but if I lean over the railing a bit, I can make out the conversation.

“You promise you’re telling the truth about this boy?” She starts. Great.

“Mum, I wouldn’t lie to you,” Colin says, but he definitely sounds a bit guilty. Here’s hoping I know him better than she does. 

She sighs. “Col… you keep breaking my heart." I feel a little defensive. Col is my nickname for him. I don't want to share it.

"First the smoking and now this boyfriend of yours-” 

My heart skips a beat. I thought it was going alright back there. Colin looks angry, but he composes himself fast.

“First off, I don’t know how the hell you know about that. But I’m quitting. Second, Stefan really is just a friend, I wouldn’t lie about this.” There’s some malice to his words, but he takes a slow breath and looks at the floor again. Vanessa continues.

“Call it mother’s intuition.” She laughs to herself. Colin’s head snaps back up, angry again. My jaw is practically on the floor. How could someone be so coy?

“Mother’s intuition, that’s a laugh innit? Harley told you, I’m sure.” Vanessa seems hurt.

“Please don’t be mean to her, she’s fragile. And don’t raise your voice.” She shushes Colin even though he’s speaking at the same volume she is.

Colin pauses and composes himself once more. “Goodnight mum.” He starts up the stairs, but Vanessa grabs his arm and glares at him. Colin stops where he is and sighs loudly. He heads back down the steps and leans down slightly. Vanessa kisses him on the forehead and sends him upstairs for real this time.

It’s not until Colin is halfway up the stairs that I realize I was absolutely eavesdropping. I should try to leave and go to my room, or at least get away, but for some reason, I don’t move. I meet Colin’s eyes as he reaches the top of the staircase, but he doesn’t seem angry. He reaches the landing and sighs once more.

“You see what I deal with?” He whispers. “This passive-aggressive nonsense. Nothing is sacred huh?” He takes a breath to calm himself down for real this time. “I’ll see you in the morning.” 

Before he leaves, he points downstairs at his mum still lingering at the bottom of the staircase. It’s his way of telling me why he’s not being affectionate right now. I just want a goodnight kiss, but not in this warzone. We both look up again and he heads to his room. As he reaches the door he turns to face me again. 

“I love you.” He mouths to me, making a heart shape with his hands, smiling ever so slightly with tired eyes. He finally turns back around and gently opens his door, shutting it behind him and making sure it doesn’t slam. I could never get enough of him.

I definitely have a better understanding of his family dynamics now. They’d never lay a finger on him, but Colin lives with a different type of manipulation. It’s like a tag team; Colin isn’t allowed to have secrets as long as Harley is around, but if he gets mad, his mum brushes it off like nothing’s happened, like Colin is the ridiculous one. I can only imagine how infuriating that is for him.

I finally head into my room for the night and quickly wash my face and brush my teeth. I look through my bags for the first clean clothes I can find, a t-shirt and sweatpants. With my arm now exposed, I can see a light blue mark forming. I go back to the bathroom and quickly run some cold water over it before getting in bed for the night.

I check my phone and to my pleasant surprise, I have no calls or texts from my dad. Funnily enough, I already have a text from Colin.

_______________________________________

From: Colin ♡  
I miss you.

_______________________________________

I blush, rereading the text a few times before finally responding.

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
Go to bed, you.

_______________________________________

It’s fun to mess with him sometimes. As I read our texts again, the peculiarity of this situation starts to set in. It’s weird that the night we’re finally together we’re sleeping apart, but beggars can’t be choosers, I guess. I decide to text him one more time. 

_______________________________________

From: stef ♥  
I miss you too.

_______________________________________

I finally put my phone down and get under the sheets. I’m so unbelievably lucky. It’s like having a guardian angel, someone to love you and look out for you. And for once in my life, I feel like I deserve it. I close my eyes, finally unafraid of what tomorrow will bring.


	21. Take Time to Fall Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! See, I said I'd be good on the updates! Sadly we're nearing the end, but for now, here's an awfully soft (and pretty long) dialogue-heavy chapter. I missed writing this story so much. :') Anyway, I'm always looking for more Stefan/Colin works, so please comment with any you recommend (or your own works)! I really appreciate it.
> 
> As always, make sure to leave comments, kudos and subscribe! It really means the world and lets me know what people are thinking so I can take it into account. I love you all! <3 <3 <3

I wake up from a dreamless sleep to the bedroom door squeaking open. As I try to adjust my eyes, I hear the door shut and the floorboards creak ever so slightly as a figure comes closer to me. It’s almost pitch black, and I can’t help but be scared. I stay unmoving, thinking I may be dreaming. The figure sits down on the bed next to me and I jump, letting out a faint yell. I sit hugging my knees with my head down, on edge.

“Stefan?”

I recognize Colin’s voice, but the fear stays with me. For some reason, I can’t get myself to move.

“Stefan, it’s me, it’s Colin.”

He reaches his arm out to hold my shoulder, but I flinch at his touch. What is happening to me?

Colin turns the bedside lamp on, finally illuminating our faces. He’s already fully dressed, but I’m here sweating and shaking in my pyjamas. I finally look at him, tears inexplicably welling in my eyes.

“Stefan. Stef. Give me your hand. It’s okay.”

But for the first time, I don’t believe him. Even with him in front of me, I feel like things won’t be okay. I can’t move from my position or even say what’s wrong, I just shake my head violently.

“Okay, okay, you don’t have to.”

He puts his hands up defensively, meaning to say he won’t touch me until I tell him he can. I let myself roll over on the bed, shoving my face into the pillow and sobbing. I reach out blindly, and Colin is back at the bedside, rubbing circles on my back.

“Hey, I’m right here. Breathe, breathe.”

I finally pick my head up off the pillow, turning my neck just enough to see him there. He looks so scared, like he doesn’t know what to do but is trying his best. With another sob, I shift across the bed, laying in the fetal position with my head in Colin’s lap. I think he’s overwhelmed with the shift in affections and he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He places one on my shoulder and the other behind his back to prop himself upright. He’s trying.

I don’t try to stop the tears, I just let them flow and let my body shake until I can’t cry anymore. I dry heave in shallow hiccups, desperately trying to get air while choking out sobs. I finally stop myself for a moment, breathing hard. I don’t deserve the boy in front of me. All the quick breaths I’m taking make me lightheaded and I feel my eyes rolling back.

“Stefan?”

I gasp and come back to life for a moment. I feel like I’m in a dream, floating outside my body. I feel my head tilting, my chin about to meet my chest, when Colin gently cups my cheek with his right hand, running his thumb over my trembling lip. He looks at me with nothing but love. I finally take a deep breath and sigh.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.” He grabs my forearms and pulls me up, forceful enough to move me but being careful not to hurt me. I finally gain some agency, helping myself up and walking over to the bathroom. But by the time I get there, I’m out of energy and I start to fall to the ground.

“Nope, no-” Colin catches me before I fall, moving me to sit on the toilet seat. He moves to the sink and wets a washcloth with cold water, softly patting my face and wiping away the tears. As he finishes, he leans down and gingerly kisses my right cheek. I close my eyes and smile slightly at the affection, leaning into him.

“There. Any better?” He’s on his knees next to the toilet so he can stay at my eye level. As he talks, he brushes some stray hairs away from my face.

“Yeah,” is all I can muster. I lower myself to the floor to be level with him and throw my arms around him. He hugs me back tightly, but we’re never close enough.

“Thank you.” I don’t know what to thank him for, as I have no clue what just happened, but it felt necessary. He doesn’t reply, he just nestles his head further into the crook of my neck. We stay like this for a few minutes until he starts to pull away, kissing my neck before he goes. I immediately miss the warmth of his lips there.

“Can we get out of here?” I finally say. The fear of Colin’s family hearing us has been on my mind since last night.

“I was hoping you’d say that.”

After Colin leaves and I’m finally able to get dressed and brush my teeth, I quietly tiptoe down the stairs to meet him. It’s just past 5 AM and it’s still dark outside, the only light in the house coming from the kitchen. I walk in to see Colin filling a portable ceramic tea set and putting it in his beaten-up backpack.

I walk over and help him package some sugar cubes as he fills containers of milk. He packs the tiny separate containers and hands them to me to put in the bag, and it feels awfully domestic. Like we could find ourselves in this situation 30 years down the road, going for a picnic or a walk in the park for some occasion. An anniversary, a birthday, or absolutely nothing at all. 

We finish packing the bag and Colin leaves a horribly short and incredibly vague note for his mum on the counter.

“WENT OUT. BE BACK LATER. MAYBE. LOVE YOU.”

Colin lets us out the back door, quietly pulling it shut. We walk in the cool winter air, huddling for warmth without the sun to raise the temperature. I’m still reeling a bit from this morning, so we walk in silence. It’s a comfortable silence though, reminiscent of the quiet we’d fall into on our ridiculously long Skype calls to do homework together. 

I can’t stop thinking about what the hell just happened to me. I’ve had nightmares before, but nothing like that. I don’t even remember dreaming, I just woke up in a panic. As bad as my anxiety has been pretty much my whole life, I can’t recall anything like this. 

Before I can think about it any further, we arrive at a small knoll in a nearby park. I follow Colin up as he sets a blanket down and pulls the tea out of his bag. I sit down, practically back in the position I was in this morning, hugging my knees. The silence grows to bother me as my thoughts shift. My dad is out there. He could be anywhere right now, doing any number of things. He could decide to go on a morning stroll in the park.

And Colin’s family could be doing any number of things now. What if someone saw us leave? Heard us this morning? How could Colin be in such danger all the time but seem so calm about it?

Colin pours the tea and sets it down on the blanket. I silently grab a cup and use it to warm my hands a bit. The silence is getting unbearable, so Colin decides to break it.

“You wanna talk about it?” He asks. There’s no need to elaborate, we both know. 

“Uh, I don’t really know what’s going on. So I’m just gonna think out loud, okay?” I meet his eyes as I finish my sentence.

“You don’t always have to know,” he answers. 

“Good, because I never know,” I laugh a bit. Colin smiles too, but it has a nervous twinge to it.

“There’s just been this… this feeling in my chest, you know? I woke up with a lot of it this morning and it... manifested itself the way it did, I guess. Wasn’t your fault. Just this feeling of impending doom. Like, you saved me. I’m safe now. But I still have this feeling at the back of my head that says it’ll never really be okay. Like even if you’re here, it won’t be safe. There’s only so much we can do, you and I. If someone, like my dad, decides he wants to come after us, I fear there’s nowhere we’d be safe. But is that just me? Is that my brain fucking with me?” I can’t help but ramble. It needs to all come out now, I’ve been bottling these feelings up without knowing it. Colin takes a breath, digesting everything I’ve just said.

“I can’t even imagine how that feels… But even if there’s a time where we aren’t safe, I’ll be here by your side.” He speaks slowly, like he doesn’t know how his sentence is going to end either. Today it’s not enough.

“How are you so goddamn calm all the time?” I accidentally raise my voice. Colin looks genuinely surprised. I take a moment to collect myself and continue. 

“I wish I was like you, I do. Carefree.” I sigh and take a sip of my tea, looking out at the rising sun. I turn back to Colin and he’s in a state of shock. He also takes a sip of tea and a couple breaths to bring him back down to earth before he starts speaking.

“Truly, I’m not. You see that, just now? You barely spoke and I was about to go mental. Anger issues suck. Imagine that on top of the irritability of nicotine withdrawal? It’s enough to make you want to blow your fucking brains out.” His voice is a little too loud and it reminds me of my dad. I look away, tracing the rim of my teacup with my finger. I can’t look at him right now. He tries again.

“I really do try my hardest but there’s always the fear of exploding on someone who doesn’t deserve it.” I turn to face him again and he gestures to me. 

“I have to be spontaneous, compulsive, stupid even, so I don’t crumble under the tiniest bit of pressure. It’s like I have to condition myself to not lose it when shit really goes wrong.”

Colin downs the rest of his tea like a shot and puts the cup down. He stares at the ground for a minute, taking deep breaths. I do the same. Another minute of uncomfortable silence passes.

“I’m sorry you’re in jeopardy because of me,” I whisper, mostly to myself. 

“What’d you say?” Colin looks at me in shock, in disbelief. I look back up at him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you come to my rescue and bring me into your home and made things painfully awkward with your family and- and I’m just sorry okay?” My voice trembles at the end. Maybe he’d be better off without me. Colin smiles, strangely enough. 

“You just don’t get it, do you? Let me make it crystal clear. I would go to the ends of the earth if I could do it with you. Forget everything else. I live my entire life not knowing what’s coming next. You think I care what my family has to say? What anyone else has to say?” He laughs again. “No, no. I only care if you’re there to shoulder it with me.” His smile fades a bit before he finishes.

“I would live my entire life on the run if it meant you were beside me.”

And with that, I’ve been pushed over the limit. All I can think to do is grab him by the collar of his coat and kiss him. I keep my grip on his jacket, like he’ll slip from my grasp at any second if I don’t hold on tight enough. He reciprocates, placing a hand behind my neck and another on my lower back. Normally I take care to be gentle, be kind, but this moment is different. It’s not about the kiss itself, it’s about being as close to him as possible. I’m not mindful of my tongue and my lips are a bit chapped, but I’m sure neither of us cares right now. 

When we finally pull away, we press our foreheads together and try to remember how to breathe again. But I can’t help but dwell on what’s next for us.

“I just can’t fucking stay still,” I say in a panic. I move away and hold my head in my hands. Why can’t I ever let things end on a good note?

“That’s okay too,” Colin says, looking down and wiping the corner of his mouth with his thumb. Why is he so hot even when I’m having a fucking breakdown?

“I still miss him. My dad,” I take a stab in the dark. Admittedly, I’m shocked at the words coming out of my mouth. I hang my head in shame. “Even as I look at the bruise on my arm that he put there, I miss him. Why do I miss him?” I look at Colin as if he’ll have the answers. 

“I mean… it’s a bit of Stockholm Syndrome, innit?” He asks. I’m reluctant to nod.

“Maybe?” I’d be lying if I gave any definitive answer.

“There’s the cycle of abuse. You’re usually anticipating the next disaster, or trying to deal with it. But for just a moment, there’s happiness. Good times, even,” he works it out out-loud, but I’m still hesitant.

“But we never had good times! There were the times he was hitting me, the times he was making me feel like shit, and the times I was alone. That’s it,” I insist.

“Then there’s that calm. You can mistake it for happiness, good times. In the back of your brain, I mean. Anything is good when abuse is the alternative. Or maybe you miss the security that came from having a roof over your head?” He sounds so intelligent when he speaks, even as he talks it out now. I sigh.

“I just thought that if I could get away from him, this would all be behind me. Like if I left, it would stop hurting.”

“And I wish it was like that too. But some things take time. And I’m here. You can grow with me at your side. The change doesn’t have to happen alone.”

“I love you,” is all I say as I rest my head on his shoulder. 

“I love you too,” he says back as we watch the last minute or two of the sunrise. 

“I just wish it could always be like this. I just wanna bottle this moment and keep it forever,” I explain. It feels like things can only go downhill from here.

“If we didn’t have the bad moments, these good moments wouldn’t feel so good,” he says. We sit in silence for a minute or two, but I’m holding my breath. The thought that’s been at the back of my head since we first hugged at the airport forces itself out of my mouth.

“Now that I have you I don’t know how I’ll live without you,” I say, desperately looking to him.

“You don’t have to live without me, I’ll always be a call away.” He’s always so sure.

“You know it’s not the same.” I’m slightly hurt. “You make it sound like it doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters. I know it’s not the same thing. But I can’t think about it for too long. And I know when all is said and done, we’ll end up together somehow.” He sleepily smiles, kissing my cheek again.

“I wish I had your confidence,” I laugh sadly. 

“In due time, babe.” 

And we leave it at that. We fall back into our usual, more comfortable silence. As the sun comes up and the park becomes more populated, Colin and I start to pack up our things and head home. We take the back pathways just so we can hold hands on the way.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop worrying about the future, but as long as I have his hand to hold mine, the sun will rise.


End file.
